Sunday, May 22, 2005

We ALL change...

Was talking to miss yeomin... she asked me if she had changed... i say everyone change... she says she thinks she change for the better.... Well.. that's good....

We ALL change... For the better or the worse? Does it matter?! It doesn't matter to me anymore. A pair of close friend couple just broke up.. Giving me alot of thoughts.. a death of relationship? simple words but hits the bottom of the heart.

I just realised that I had changed quite a lot... Someone who loved attention, but doesn't want any of it anymore. Someone who loved to club, but started to feel uncomfortable with loud noises and smokey areas. Someone who smiles and blur blur, but now feels a thousand pounds pulling at the end of my face, smiles no longer from the bottom of heart... Someone, who had probably can't live without a relationship in the past, had been single for two years and counting, and probably even starts to have a phobia of guys...

Guys... Then and there, he let me face with myself and loneliness, and perhaps stress from exams alone, while he and his gang in library studying... After which, I need my space to think if I'm just someone for him whenever he needed me, and when he didn't need me, he didn't care if I needed him. There was this song "ni shi wo zui shen ai de ren". When I was having my breathing space, that was the song that was always ringing in the back of my mind. But just as the time, when I finally had enough of my breathing space, he said he had given up. I didn't say much, but just.. ok... Though sometime later, we got back together... It was only 2 weeks, when he was driving me to my family chalet, he said he was... can't rem the words anymore, but he was somehow xin hui yi leng....? I thought he needed time to concentrate on other things... I didn't ask much, though I was super reluctant to let go. That was the last time he drove me to somewhere as a gf? I didn't want the journey to end there and then. With such grave feelings, I went to my family chalet.. Tearing in heart, yet smiling to entertain. For months, my family had been asking me about bringing him back... My first and only guy that I acknowledge in front of my family. Next thing I know... In less than a month's time or so, came a shock at a dinner and dance, that there was another girl with him. Feelings changed... The song changed... the song changed to "ai bu neng chi jiu" or something like that by xiao S. probably we met too early? I needed my space to grow up...

Every year, starting from hall FOC, combined hall bash, jcrc voting day, hall bazaar, sem 1 and sem 2 exams... his birthday and my kuku act upon the sms... my birthday... Sun Yan Zi concert... (the 2nd one I organised, feels so different... I will always rem where he sit in the audience at the circle seat, calling me and waving to me...) Everywhere I go seems to have his shadow... Never fading shadow... Probably I've been living in the past for the past 3 years.. And still not moving on... Probably part of me had dieded... Living just becos of living.. Aimlessly moving around...

Probably I wasn't really unhappy of delaying my studies... At the very least, I had my last chance of "being with him" during his last exams... Everyday, a glance of him is better than none. Now, so long as he's still with the girl, I am happy for him.. Not really happy, but I just think that it's better that they better stay that way forever, happily ever after... cos that means he will never have to face a crisis in r/s anymore..


Next was another guy, attached yet somehow got myself involved in some ways... He was someone I often thought Mr Nice Guy, and they are model couple or something... his straying away in his r/s made me shiver with fear at times... first, was a guy who declared his love for me, and change of heart over a month or two.. next, was a guy who supposedly to be Mr Nice Guy, yet stray in r/s... Are guys reliable? Probably that's a question I won't need an answer for... For I'm also xin hui le... waiting for the one in life? Probably... It's ok even if there's no one in life... If there really is that ONE, I just need someone to be able to share with me, doubling happiness and halfing sadness with me...

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sugary sweet savouring @ 6:20 PM |



1 Comments:

  • At Sunday, May 22, 2005 11:40:00 AM, Blogger juz a little gurl said…

    long long vesak day post? hee...
    *hugs*
    was out with ling yesterday & was talking abt the part being left out tt I told u abt. :) I guess everyone needs a sense of belonging. no matter whether it's having a bf or doing work for an organisation. Maybe, somehow, we need more stuff to keep ourselves occupied.
    hee... my single record hits like 4 yrs? or more than tt... LOL.
    Guys juz complement my life la... haha! I'm so egoistic...*grinz*

     

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