Saturday, July 30, 2005

Every part of school is every part of memories...

Today is Friday.. I remember that there was this Friday... One of the first few Fridays that I had in NTU, I was walking up the flight of stairs from South Spine, leading to the Nanyang Auditorium, after my only lecture in MLT. After the effort of climbing so many stairs, when I reached the end of it, I met HIM and HIS then roomie. Didn't know what gotten into me. I actually agreed to follow them around. Initially I only thought they wanted to go Popular to get stationery, but little do I know that they had to attend a GE in the south spine lecture theatre after that. Anyway, I ended up going with them. At Popular, I was quite surprised to see a guy like HIM behaved so much like a kid when HE was selecting from the colored Pentel pens and the highlighters. That was the first different sight of HIM. Then when I went with them to the GE lecture, AB02 or something 02. I was quite surprised to see his book, filled with different colours. Use this color to highlight, must use a compatible Pentel pen color to write notes next to it.

JCRC room, was the place the gang of us used it as a study room. 6 of us, though I was the only year 1, my grades were okay, comparing to how much I deteriorated now. That place, held happy memories for me.

Library, was a place I hated during Yr 1 Sem 2, simply cos what HE had said. "If I asked you to come to library to study, will you? There is all my friends. If I asked you to go Canteen A just to have a dinner with me, will you?" The question was... "Did you ever open your mouth and ask? Did you?" I'm all alone in my double room. Facing the big space and the empty room. Comparing to the 1st sem in JCRC room, this was a big big big contrast. I couldn't adapt that fast. I felt abandoned. I felt abandoned in school. I went home, I felt abandoned at home. If I didn't go home, I would be kept in the dark that my mum needed to get hospitalised for a week for further check-ups. I really felt abandoned by everyone. During that week, I wasn't sure why HE wanted me to stay in hall. HE argued that going to SGH from Hall would be much faster than going to SGH from my home in Hougang. Hello?! There was an express bus from Hougang right to SGH, and in hall? I needed to take "ferry 199" out to "Boon Lay Port" then take MRT to Outram. Which is further? I don't understand why HE always come out with weird reasoning, or probably not speaking of what HE was thinking. Disappointing.

HE had the similar kind of reaction when I slightly suggested of changing Hall. I was thinking, HE really didn't want me to move out or whatever, but HE just wanted to say it in HIS mcp ways... I was tired, trying to decipher what was the underlying goodwill of HIS, sometimes, my temper prevented me from deciphering it at the point of time.

The minor operation to remove my toe nail at Medical Centre was a painful experience. But something HE did, just melted my heart straight away. My toe nail was infected after IBG. I was nearly limping around cos pus was flowing out from under of my big toe nail, and it was really painful. After the removal of my toe nail, I told HIM via sms that my toe nail was removed and it was painful. As he was in the midst of lecture, I didn't want to interrupt, I actually told HIM that I would slowly make my way back to hall. But before I could stop HIM from doing anything, HE left the lecture theatre and drove HIS car to Carpark B to pick me up. That was so sweet of HIM. HE really melted me there and then.

HIS 22nd birthday, I made a very stupid mistake. I went to JP with a friend, to get a present for HIM. The present was quite a crap, a soft toy with a heart that say Happy Birthday on it. I felt it was quite crap cos a soft toy for a guy? But there was nothing else I could think of as we had just got together. The stupid mistake I made, was I sent a sms which was meant to be for my friend, to HIM. The sms wrote something like this "Thanks, and please keep this a secret away from HIM." I was like a criminal that night. HE probed me, and wanted to know what secret I was hiding away from HIM. The other friends of that gang who knew was laughing at how stupid I was and couldn't be of much help. End up, I couldn't take it, and told HIM what was the secret. I really felt that I was one big KUKU. Who can be more stupid than me? You tell me.. you tell me!! End up there wasn't any surprises.. but just a funny joke on me.

My 19th birthday with HIM was also unforgettable. It was the first time someone special actually planned and celebrated my birthday for me. That day, we had lunch at Coca restaurant at the International building (not very sure if I got the name correct), it was the building in between Shaw House and the embassy. Then we caught a movie at Lido. I couldn't remember what did we watched. Then we went to walk around. Then we went to The Coffee Club at Taka, and we had coffee and also a blueberry cheesecake. HE brought me to the lingerie section in Taka, and gotten me 2 pieces of thongs or gstring.. I still couldn't decipher the difference till now. It was one of the first times I get something from the lingerie section. All the while, before that, my lingerie was all the cheapo types my mum get from the market. I was so embarassed that HE was much more experienced than me in lingerie cos HIS mum was once.. I couldn't remember.. a lingerie shop owner I think.. I was totally ashamed of myself... So embarassing... That evening, HE had to leave to drive HIS dad to the airport. I walked around Orchard for a while before I was on my way back to hall. HE came back to hall for part 2 of the birthday celebration. HE gave me the "MeToYou" Bear and a card. Though, upon receiving the big Taka bag, I already guessed it was the bear. It still surprised me. I never knew it would be such a big bear. I knew it would be MeToYou Bear, but... I really didn't know he would get such a big one. Though now the present the bear was holding, was crushed.. I still loved it as though it was new.

The SUNFLOWER incident was something I couldn't forget... Though it might really be a super trivial thing to HIM. It was something that I didn't know I should laugh at or get angry over. Till now, I still had that mixed feelings. It all happened after dinner in HIS room. We had late dinner. As usual, we had chu qian yi ding I think, and our added ingredients like meatballs and what not. I actually wanted to go jogging with this friend of mine. I understand HIS concern. HE adviced me not to go jogging, cos HE scared I later stitch. I really understand HIS concern. So I took his advice, I told my friend to push back the jogging time till an hour plus later, if not, she and her friends go ahead, I won't mind. So we pushed back an hour plus. After my jog, I came back to my room. HE ICQ-ed me. (Yes, it was still the ICQ era) There was these few things he typed that I couldn't forget till now. It goes something like this.. "Why didn't you take my advice not to go jogging?" and probably this sentence was abit editted "Why you didn't respect me?" And kind of send me feeling puzzled... Thinking... Not listening to what you say means no respect? What the hell was HE talking? I was dumbstruck, and didn't want to answer till I was able to decipher what HE was trying to say. I even told my roomie, Eva, to take a look and she wasn't able to understand what was HE trying to say too. I thought I already heed HIS advice, by pushing the jogging time an hour later? Wasn't this not enough? Then I reply. I couldn't remember what I reply. Probably I was asking what HE meant. Then I sat back, and waited for the reply.

I waited for around an hour, stupidly staring at my monitor, sweaty and smelly. Cos I was worried HE would reply once I get away from the monitor. Little did I know, an hour plus later, HE came back to his computer and asked me if I was going home over the weekend. I said "Yes, why?" HE asked me to get a sunflower, when I was on my way back, cos HIS "sister" was feeling down, and HE wanted to get her a sunflower to cheer her up. I was fuming mad. I waited for HIM an hour at the monitor like a moron, and HE went to talk to her instead. The worst was... HE never even gotten me a flower before and HE actually wanted me to get HIS so-called sister a SUNFLOWER?! That weekend, the group of friends went to Jurong East Swimming Complex. I didn't go. I went home. Sunday, I didn't come back hall. I refused to come back. I sort of had the gut feeling that HE would have gotten me a sunflower. I even waited to go back on Monday afternoon, as the morning lab lessons ended, cos it was near to exams. I went to HIS room only at night. And to my anticipation, there was this very big sunflower on top of HIS big fridge. I really had mixed feelings then. One was.. I was happy, really.. that HE really made the effort to give me a flower, although it was upon request.. Two was.. eh.. you give your sister sunflower.. you give your gf the same flower? so... who is your sister and who is your gf? Had a feeling that I was on a same status with your so called sister.

Library, which I hated during Year 1 Sem 2, became a place I wanted to be in during Year 3 Sem 2, HIS final semester. It was my only chance of sitting there, and taking the last looks at HIM before HE graduated. I sort of felt that, after graduation, there will be near to zero chance of stealing a glance at HIM. Even walking down to the bus stop, stealing a glance at HIS empty room, was simply comforting. I am still doing the same thing now, though of lesser frequency. I was glad that I didn't had the chance to go IA. I didn't want to do any appeal. I was glad I was around to see the last of HIM in school. The time when we were fighting over the Carrefour dollar coin for trolley, that moment just reliven alot of sweet happy memories I had in my entire life of NTU. I wouldn't find happier moments as of now. Can you believe it? Two of us, snatching the stupid Carrefour dollar coin, from Canteen A, all the way up the stairs to LWN library aka Library 1, and then all the way to level 4 study tables. We didn't stop at study table. In our own seats, we even snatched till we didn't know when we swapped our seats. It was so funny. That day, was probably 15 April 04. That night, I was at HIS room, helping to do some cuttings. When I reached my room, HE sent me a sms. "Actually wanted to talk to u abt other stuff. But his neighbour whom we both knew was around." I replied telling HIM that I could walk over and hear about it. But HE said nevermind. I really.. wanted to know what HE had to say to me, at that point of time. But it needed to be said there and then. Now, even if HE said what HE wanted to say then, I guess the contents would be different. The feelings would be different. Everything would be different. I missed it once and it would be missed forever.

HIS convocation, I appeared. I didn't know why I appeared. No one asked me to appear. I just appeared. I just want to see. But HE just disappeared before I could say anything. Not even a word of congratulations.

Whenever HE called me meow meow, it just hurt.. cos it was just the replacement words for deardear..

What I always felt.. We probably met too early.. I hadn't settled down... While you already wanted someone forever. It was different when I was 19 and just stepped into Uni.. I wanted to look around and gain more experience everywhere. You was 22. You wanted a companion. I understand, but I needed the freedom then. Now I'm 22. I probably felt how you felt. I wanted a companion now too.

Memories are always memories.. Time may fade them.. but these are the memories I treasured most in these 22 years.

Why I just couldn't let go... let things passed... like I always do? It's enough torture... 1 year of indulgence in eca.. work had drained my energy.. but when it was time of exams, when work had stopped, I just couldn't help missing and thinking of the past... I never fared well ever since. I was lost.. The one time that I fared well was that semester in the library. I cleared all, despite of one or two mcs. I really don't know what I want. I really thought I had moved on. Have I? Maybe it wasn't this that caused the lousy grades. I shouldn't just shift the blame here and there. Ultimately, I am the one to blame for my own grades. I couldn't focus. Engineering wasn't my interest. So far I had in my studies, was just best means to get to the next stage. Engineering can be offered more employment opportunities than Business, I thought. Please.. let go.......... I'm beginning to get more pessimistic... where's the true smiley susan? I'm bound to face a identity crisis soon, if my external me to others is happy go lucky, no problems... and the internal me wasn't... now with the scar... It's even worse.. I tear every night in bed to sleep whenever I thought of it... I wasn't that strong afterall... I want my scarless face back... I want my face!!

Hello?! U are old enough and strong enough to overcome anything, Susan... Nothing can get you down forever. U are able to recover very well and fast enough than anyone.. Don't think too much... Come on.. Gambette!!

sugary sweet savouring @ 2:19 AM |



0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home

Get awesome blog templates like this one from BlogSkins.com