Monday, July 25, 2005

Suddenly I recalled that day I saw HIM...

HIM

I walked past HIM that day, 08 July 2005, Friday, at Orchard underpass, in the evening. I was walking up the stairs, while HE was walking down. HIS hand, was holding HIS gf's. Though not many years had passed, but many months had... so did the days.. many days passed too... HE was still unforgettable to me. HE didn't knew we even walked passed each other. We were that close and nearly bum our left arms together... Was it HIM that I can't let go, or was it the nature of the relationship? I had always so soft hearted and easily agreeable to start a relationship, cos I always think that if you never try, you'll never know. When HE started courting me, I really thought it was impossible, and the fact that my first impression of HIM was quite detestable. It was probably the first time I started a relationship, somewhat properly. Do I miss HIM? Yes, I miss HIM. Every moment of able to take a glimpse of HIM, I will sure treasure. Every little things HE did or said, they all carry alot of weights in me. That time before HE graduated, during HIS last exams, HE wanted to tell me something, but because HIS neighbour was around. HE didn't say want to anything. I never got to know what HE wanted to tell me. Why did HE always got to do this to me? Making things hanging in the air, making me suffering for many more months to come. I pray that it was months, not years. I did not want to suffer too long.

The breakup with HIM was a big shock to me. I will never forget. It was yesterday of that year. Not the exact date. But it was the Saturday after FOC ended. I can never forget how I had forced myself to hide my tears under laughters and smiles at my family chalet that fateful night. BTW, HE said it when driving me to the chalet. I thought it was cruel. I had lots of "No, I don't want", but I thought... I really thought it was time we needed... I thought all we needed was a little time... But time turned cruel... when I saw HIM and HER together on another occasion. *sigh* How I wished I disappeared. That moment was very shattering. I can never forget the very first time I saw them holding hands. I can never forget the very first time I saw them. I can never forget. Stupid me.. I was even waiting for this day, probably we could start getting back together alittle. But this day became the most cruel and torturous day for me. Nothing can describe how I felt. My heart still pained when I recalled that scene. If I had amnesia, I really hoped that HE would be the first that I would want to forget.

I can't say if my life was ruined by HIM. Or probably I was lost after that torturous day. Lost. Lost. Lost. I searched for comfort anywhere I could find. Most probably I was looking for the same kind of feeling I had. There was once, I was quite drunk. Not that I remembered that I drank alot. But I just can't remember what happened. But during this day that I wasn't sober, I found the feeling back. I thought I was with HIM. The feeling was so real, yet it wasn't. Disappointing? Yes. I couldn't focus on any other thing.


HIM

For the past many many months, my life had always got into a bigger mess each time, when I got to know someone. After HIM, there was only one more bf, which caused me phobia of a lot of things. ROMANCE? Who needs it? After tasting the feeling of romance, I felt that romance in the tv serial style was totally INPRACTICAL, and a TOTAL WASTE OF MONEY. The worst was, the mental torture when I initiated the break-up. I was practically screaming for help, running away when HE looked for me, and slamming my phone whenever HE called or sms-ed. I was about on the edge of going to mental hospital. I probably was sane enough then. I probably could had jumped off the building when HE pestered. Tears were never enough for those torture. Ripping my body apart, eating out my heart, letting my blood flow till there's no more in me... These are probably, at most, an equivalent to how I felt.


HIM

Then I met someone, who was simply a jerk, that was what everyone would call HIM. I didn't know why I would fall for HIM. Probably cos HE gave me the support and comfort I needed when I was with HIM. HE helped me overcame my hard times and prevented me from going crazy. I didn't think I fell for HIM. Well... HE was never my bf... It was more of, gotten used with HIS presence, I guess. When got known of HE and HIS GF, through my own eyes again, I was abit affected, but not very, as I knew HE was all along a jerk. Met up with HIM lately, and realised I really feel nothing for HIM at all. But probably all the while, I merely needed companionship.


HIM

Then as I thought things would cool and my life would going to be plain and boring... HE came into my life unknowingly... It took us for months to finally stepped alittle further than friends. It was probably cos HE was attached and also, as I said, HE came into my life unknowingly. There were really sweet moments for that one month or two. We shared really happy times. Actually what we did, hadn't left much of an image now. I only remembered that period of time as very sweet and happy, the feeling was as if I had never loved someone so much before. But... I was quite blank now of what had happened. Let me recall... We wrote stories of our own, to describe the things that happened. These stories were only meant for the eyes of the two of us only. The so-called break-up for us was very saddening. I remembered that tears really rolled out of my eyes without control, even though I knew we won't be together at the start of this affair. Oh.. now I remembered why did I chose to forget what we actually did. I could actually looked up our "diary" to see what we did. But I didn't want to. Cos HIS actions after the "break-up" wasn't consoling at all. I was very confident that I can forget about HIM and carry on with my life. There wasn't a need for sudden change of attitude on HIS side. Many sentences reply in sms and MSN became short ones, or even none. There was a sudden increase of words only when HE wanted to talk to me. It was an one-way thing. I couldn't choose to talk to HIM more, but HE could choose to talk to me more when HE want to, cos stupid me will always reply HIM. I hated? No. I disliked HIM for that. Disgusted. Is this how you treat a friend? Even though u say we remain as friends? What an idiot of me to listen to that? HE, whom I trusted most don't even do the same thing. Even if everything's over between HIM and HER, it would take alot for me to turn back and loved HIM like I do before. Cos things after our "break-up" was really... disappointing...


HIM

From then till now, yes.. In between there was someone new. HE always would be around, but only appear occasionally in front of me, for me only. Hmm.. Maybe I would say rarely, instead of occasionally. I would probably call this relationship, somewhat like "Rare Underground fling"... Rare in the sense that we rarely meet up... Underground cos it wasn't above ground? haha... Fling... hmm.. different ppl got different definition for flings... As for us, we would only at most spend some time crapping, either over MSN or face-to-face. But that was also a rare thing. We don't interfere with each other business. We don't interfere with each other's doing. We don't even speak of each other's feelings. What was HIS feelings? I can't be bothered, cos HE probably can't be bothered with mine. What kind of fling is this? I also don't know. What is it between us that we are fling? I also not sure. But somehow HE was listed somewhere under my list of flings. haha.. How things would turn out? My guess was nothing. Whenever I thought about it, the word impossible came to my mind. Impossible on HIS side. (Eh.. Is not the same impossible guy that I met some time earlier okies?) As on my side, all I probably needed was just a companion. tsk tsk.. sounded like any cats or dogs can be one. Recently, I was probably a little disillusioned by my short-term memory and what not, that little words of care from HIM was so warming to my heart for the moment, even though HIS tone would be the same for any other people, I guess. If one day HE really wanted something more than "Underground fling"... I will only think of it when that day comes, cos it would be quite impossible of HIM to ask for more. HE is really some CMI guy in my eyes though.. lolx


ALL I WANTED WAS PROBABLY JUST A COMPANION...

Hmm.. Yes.. What I probably need was just companionship. I needed a companionship to talk to, go home with, to dine with, to watch tv with, to cook with, to cuddle with, to spend my time with, to smile with, to even do nothing but just spend time together with, to get married to, to have children with, to grow old with... doing things together as a routine, or as a norm... Smooth sailing would be good. Romance? I had once, I no longer wanted it that much, cos I fear the consequences it would bring... Once bitten, twice shy... For those who still believes it romance, go ahead. I'm not really into that. All I want, was just practical things. I just want a simple home, a husband, our monthly income would allow us to survive very comfortably in Singapore. There wasn't a need to be luxury. Occasional pampering would do. What I probably need, was someone by my side. Probably I wouldn't be that lost then.

sugary sweet savouring @ 1:30 AM |



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