Saturday, August 27, 2005

Dreaded...

Today was a free and easy day.
I DREAD TO COME HOME!!

I realised that communication between me and my mum was really LOUSY. I didn't wanted to give in, and she never put herself in my shoes. She's really a good example for me. I see her, and I will definitely remember all the conflicts between me and her. I will strongly remember and keep on reminding myself not to be like her to my own kids in future. Her attitude, was something I detest. The classic was her, trying to speak to me, with a mouthful of food in her mouth. I told her so many times it was rude, and what was her "can't be bothered" reply? She said she didn't need to be polite to us. She wanted to do what she wanted to. I said she sent us to school to get educated. We learned and came back home, and wanted her to get improved too. What was her reply again? She didn't need us to teach. She was so resistant. She was so stubborn. She simply stucked at a point and never moved on. I worry for the day I would react like her. I worry for the day I grow old like her. I worry for the day the communication started to break down between me and my future kids. I wouldn't let any of these happen.

I was telling her today, that I met my brother's gf's younger sis, during the IBG netball match yesterday. And guess what she had to say? She had to say that, people very smart, got a scholarship and went overseas. What is this? Trying to spur me? No way. 20 over years and you don't even know what kind of words had what kind of effect on me? You never tried to understand me, did you? I can't even tell you about my life, cos you always have your own opinions. Can't you hear things out, and understand from my point of view, and try to understand me?

I lived the past 20 over years of life for the two old folks. I couldn't care less about all these qualifications if not for the two of you.

I had my own interests from young. Engineering, science, maths? Yes. They might be something I can do, but there's a difference between what I CAN do and what I WANT to do. I NEVER wanted this. I NEVER had a chance to learn what I'm interested. Ever since we moved house, and I stopped taking Art classes at the community centre, I never had something out of the curriculum. My brothers attended computer classes when they were young, at the place above the previously Emporium in Kovan. I only had a chance to wait outside for them to finish class, and during the wait, I could only admire the other little girls dancing ballet, in the dance room, with full length mirrors at one side of the wall. I could only hear people playing piano. I could only admire, admire and admire. I couldn't pick up anything. Anything I do, is all useless, only waste of money. All my friends, from young to now, are all bad companies. I even gave up in my secondary school years, and just settled to just scrap through and go to SRJC, cos that was the instituition, both my brothers went through. Probably same school, then my mum wouldn't blame it on my SCHOOL had bad companies, my SCHOOL is LOUSY. I guess I was too naive. Since when got such things one?! Stupid. And by the way, I didn't had bad companies. I, myself, was rebellious. I decided what are the things I wanted to do against my old folks.

I pity myself. Sometimes, I even pity my mother more. Though she is really a great mother, in some aspects.

sugary sweet savouring @ 11:23 PM |



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