Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Distracted, Daunted, Despair...

It's not stress that got me.
I just felt paralysed.
Suffocated.
Stoning and stoning.
Calling home and chatting..
Means nothing good..
Not that I finally missed home.
It's just that I can't find people that I can relate to.

Missed my friends...
Missed all the times when I had friends close to me..
Envious of all who have at least a close friend all along..
Envious more.. of those who had SOs all along..
The definition of my close friends are quite different...
People see close friends as those that always hang out together..
When you see A, you'll see B...
My friends.. never followed through all the parts of my lives..

My first friend in primary school, now don't even recognise me.
My closest primary school friend went to a different secondary school...
Moved away.. and lost contacts...
My close friends in secondary school..
Either went to polys, different jcs, or different faculty...
The only time those in jc met up...
Was when A levels Maths was nearing..
And we met up and had mini Maths remedial or something...
My close friends in jc..
Whatever happened.. I was the only one in NTU.
I came here alone.
And now, I'm still alone.
Tired of having friends..
Tired of having close friends..
Tired of my definition of close friends..
Which many might deemed as distant friends.
Who says close friends must always meet up?
Who says close friends cannot meet each other once in a year?
Who says close friends must always be updated with each other's life?
No one says so..

Missed the times in the past.
Those secondary school years...
Those student council life...
Days before I turned 20..
If I had a choice...
I won't want to grow up...
Or at least.. not so fast...
I'm slow..
I need more time than some people, sometimes..

I don't understand alot of things..
I don't know what I want in life...
I am one without ambitions..
Cos whatever I liked to do..
I was always been rebuked...
I was never supported...
Ceramics classes?
I always been scolded to waste money.
Aren't you all glad that I'm doing something..
Rather than hanging out in the streets..
And creating trouble?

What I want to do after next year...
After I graduate?
The norm will be "join the work force" loh...
But I ever wished to going to LaSelle or NAFA...
Don't discuss this with me..
I don't want to make the decision now..
No one can affect my decision too..
I'm too tired to listen to so-called opinions and advices...
Don't try to change my mind...
If you never really know me...
Practical & Reality versus Interests
I still wonder which one will I choose in future..

The past 2 years are just blank pages to me.
Neither here nor there.
Stopped interacting.
Thought it was a sign of getting used to be alone.
But it was simply my way of shutting people out.

Happy may I seem.
That's how I always seemed to be.
When I was little...
I thought my mission in life..
is to bring happiness to people around me..
As time goes by...
I know how people's day can be brightened up abit..
But somehow lost the idea of how I can be slightly happier..
Smiles are just too easy tasks..
So easy that it doesn't need me to be really happy to do it..
Smiles are just getting more and more mundane..
Is that the word? whatever..

Out of sorts?
Nope. I felt out of place.
No place for me.
No breathing space either.
No support at all.

sugary sweet savouring @ 11:27 PM |



5 Comments:

  • At Thursday, October 27, 2005 8:18:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    some days we feel down, very down

    i cant ask you to cheer up cos it doesnt help

    i can only say, finish the last lap in uni, then decide what you want to do.

    life isnt that bad considering we still have choices in life

    i supposed having support is important too and you know if you open ur heart and ask, i will give you the support u want :)

     

  • At Friday, October 28, 2005 2:01:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Thanks vivian!

    It was just a moment of down mood that made me write this lousy post. I'm quite a lousy person at remembering unhappy times...

    All the rantings in this minute just disappear when I get off the pc, sit down and start to focus in my work.

    I'm probably a Happy Person to the power of infinity, and any small amount of rantings and unhappiness are too small to have any effects.

    Think I'm studying too much maths.. "When x approaches infinity, x plus small change in x equals to infinity."

     

  • At Sunday, October 30, 2005 10:56:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    no prob!
    i think sometimes it is good to be down for a while and then move on :)

    we shall meet up when i go home this year, okie?

     

  • At Monday, October 31, 2005 12:50:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yes Yes Yes!!

    It's been 2 years since we first and last met... haha..

    I want the candies! Can I? Can I? Pretty, pleeeaseeee!!!

     

  • At Tuesday, November 01, 2005 9:03:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    yeah yeah :P

     

Post a Comment

<< Home

Get awesome blog templates like this one from BlogSkins.com