Thursday, February 16, 2006

Waking up with an unhappy note

Too much unhappy stuff happened in the past 24 hours.

All of each outweighs those little thank you message from the successful deliveries.


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



For those who had called and unable to get me today,
I'm sorry. I just didn't feel like talking.


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



Sighz..
It's been the don't know how many times..
That I had destroy the trust and confidence of my family members in me..

One of my first time, borrowing the portable CD player during my year 1 or 2.
I didn't understand, placing it in my bag, IN THE COUNCIL ROOM..
Will cause it to disappear for no reason.
I really didn't mean to lose it. Really.
That night, I didn't dare to go home.
We went Terence's place, IIRC.
I reached home after midnight.
I didn't dare to go home. Really.
Sighz.


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



Then it was my brother's tripod in my mum's hand-made carrier during NTU Yr 1.
I borrowed it for Sun Yanzi's school concert.
I was holding it in my hand.
I didn't know why did I ever want to put it down at a corner.
And ever since then, it was never to be seen.
Again.. I got reprimanded..
I didn't dare to go home again..
Then my brother bought a new tripod.
I always thought it was claimed with the club's funds then..
Until lately, my mum said NO.
MORE GUILTY and equally puzzled though.


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



Now..
Of all people's orders..
My brother's order was cocked up till I felt it was absurd.
Yes, vehicle for the east had broke down..
But when many told me, "You had the whole day to react, so many hours!"
"Hadn't I given you more than enough time?"
I didn't understand why my instructions on my list was so clear..
Yet, I can be faced with so many problems..
I felt that everything seemed to backfire and change their target to ME!
I guess I will have hell lot of complaints and grumblings from him for the next 6 months.


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



That the delivery to the Indian lady was to be done from 9.30 - 11.30am..
Yet, the one doing the scheduling kept telling me, "The delivery time stated was before 3pm."
I thought to myself, "Damn it! Don't tell me I type wrongly?"
Cos I know it very clearly the timing was super specific.
I even asked the PLANNER for the delivery if that timing is ok?
And I only confirmed upon recognition.
If only the schedule that I requested was sent to me.
The mistake might probably been spotted.
I regretted that I forgot to bring my order list out with me.
I couldn't be sure if it was me, making a typo error when he was doing the scheduling.


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



Then it was a case of "misplaced order".
An order that I said to be after 3pm...
Arrived only on the last hour of Valentine's Day.
This sentence made me feel very guilty..
"Thanks! But V-day is nearly over.."
Simple few words, yet you could feel the disappointment...
Sorry, but this was the one explanation, that I myself couldn't accept.
If you had done ALL your delivery, and yet there's ONE that's not delivered..
Won't you, in the right frame of mind, check about it?
Sighz..


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



Lastly..
Even the receptionist at HSBC building played me out.
Early morning, I even received a complaint saying that...
The bouquet was received but not the bear...
Delivery man claimed to had delivered.
Recipient claimed that it hadn't been received.
What can I do?
I'm stucked in between..
Not only between the two, but letting my brother down even further..
What can I do?
It seemed like asking both sides again and again, I wouldn't expect a change of answer.
What can I do?
I re-wrapped another bear and delivered to the place myself.
Sometime after the delivery, the delivery side called.
The actual story was...
Bear and bouquet were both delivered to the receptionist.
But only the bouquet was passed to the hands of the recipient.
Only upon calling the receptionist, then she found it familiar.
It was the receptionist who forgot to pass to her.
So what now?
I don't care if the receptionist decided to find the bear and make it appear again.
My task to deliver the bear was completed.
I rather buy the bear for them, than to hope the missing bear will reappear again.


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



Years, after years..
I'm really trying very hard to prove myself to my family..
I'm really trying very hard to gain trust to them that I can do things properly.
I choose my involvement with them very carefully.
Probably so carefully that they were so few..
Yet all choose to backfire.
I'm tired.
I never seemed to do anything right in the eyes of my family.
I'm always a failure.
I'm always at fault.
I'm always wrong.
Then why bring me to the world in the first place?
Why bring me to the family, when I am only a failure?
Why didn't my heart operations fail?
I shouldn't be here, wasting resources and air and space.


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



Last night, I blogged till 5am.
I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't forget the fact that I had betrayed the trust I built up over the past few years.
It had been a lousy year, though we were only in the 2nd month of it.
Tears just kept welling up.
My head feels heavy..
My eyes felt very dry whenever tears cleared.
My eyes were getting puffy.
I'm someone with a few words now.
Suddenly feeling weak..
How I wish I could have a companion by my side...
To lend me his shoulders to cry on..
To support me.. Hold me tight..
And tell me that everything's over, and everything will be alright..
Make me feel safe again.

When was the last time I cried?
I could only say that this is the first time I cried this year.
Sighz..


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



Just now, sorry, but I have to snap at Ben.
I had enough of saying things properly, politely, and according to whatever protocol..
I probably need a mask to keep my mouth shut nowadays..
I worry that these few days, nothing good will come out of my mouth.


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



Today, I didn't turned up for quiz..
On the double decker at Hall 11 bus stop..
I looked down and saw this familiar blue car coming into the school.
I see my watch, 12.34pm.
He's gonna be slightly late for the quiz too.
Sorry but I really don't feel like talking to him today before I deliver the bear.
I knew I will sure break into tears when I think of what am I going to face at home.
I knew he will only be saying things about yesterday.
I knew he will only be apologising and explaining what happened.
I knew all these would come out from his mouth.
That was precisely what I didn't want to hear.
I was not really angry.
The feelings of being pissed, disappointment weighs more than anger.
And the feelings of depressed weighs even more than disappointment.
Physically tired even lose out to depression.
I had insomnia last night.
Whenever I was about to sleep, something at my ears kept ringing.
The ringtone of my phonecall and SMSes kept ringing virtually..
I kept on waking up to see my hp, even though I knew I switched it to silent mode.
Vibrations was also off too.
Phonecalls with unknown numbers are common now.
I can't turn them away cos the calls were often from potential clients.
I woke up at 7+, 8+ with a series of bombardment of SMSes from my brother.
*cries*


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



Went for a retail therapy.
Bought a jeans from Giordano.
Didn't know why I bought it.
Firstly was cos the Raffles Exchange outlet doesn't have the longer ones.
Then it was on 50% discount.
I found it at Jurong Point, and purchased it there.
There was some sort of cheap thrill element there, I think.
I just don't know why I bought it.

Bought an OP top.
It's green or brown in color.
I didn't know why I bought it too.
But I guess I'll grow to like it..


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



5.35 to 7.30 PM
This marked my longest sleeping hour for this week since Monday.
The other sleep hours were often interrupted by phonecalls.

Today, not bad..
Made another sales..
Though it was a very small keyboard..
Nothing substantial was earned..
But at least it was a smooth deal.


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



It's 2.21AM now..
Can't do the editting and making this post a colorful one.
I should better try to sleep early..
Hopefully I can sleep more hours.
Will re-do the colors when I had more time.


- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -- WAKING UP WITH AN UNHAPPY NOTE -



Dearest Bloggie, Good night and sweet dreams..
As for my dearest cushions.. hold me tight in my sleep.

sugary sweet savouring @ 12:45 AM |



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