Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Disturbing thoughts of my family...

Stupid brothers and their imaginary Edmund Bo Mei You..
I hate them for those craps..
I'm sorry, but home is not a place I want to go, cos of their nonsense..
Home is never comforting..
Home is one of the last place I want to be at..
I hate those teases..
Don't I have enough of them outside?!
Two of you are married, and going to be married..
It doesn't mean I have to grab one and get married now!
Our age gap is so ever big..
Never compare such things to me!
Compare compare compare!
Can't you guys in the Family of Huang get enough of it?
I hate to be compared around like goods in the supermarket!

I hate to be compared!


Why can't you all think that I'm unique!
Why can't even the closest one think so..?
Wait a minute..
Is there anyone in the category of being the "closest one"?
I wasted 2.5 decades of my life for this family..
Cos they pay me for it..
I can't complain more..
I'm just a paid undergraduate to study and fulfill parents' wishes..

I'm just a chess piece on the chess board..
I'm probably worse than that..
I was never free to think, to dream, to do anything I want..
All the things I did were just WRONG WRONG WRONG!
Who's in the wrong?
When everything I did is wrong, sometimes you may just want to turn the question around and ask if you are the one who is in the wrong?!
I was hardly supported by them in things I did..

My interest in the figurines I did after PSLE..
Aren't you proud of my beautiful works?
Aren't you glad that I'm doing something decent, rather than to hang out in the streets with some hooligans?
Aren't you appreciative of my works at all?
Ever wonder why I couldn't be bothered to collect them back when my works were displayed in Punggol CC?
What's the point of collecting them back, when you all don't show appreciation at all?

I had to give up thoughts, dreams, interests, everything..
Isn't that equivalent to giving up myself, I wonder?
I can never forget those words..
"Why do you have to work? Can't I afford your living expenses?"
Those were what my dad told me when I was 15.
Last year, when I was 22, he threw his bankbook in front of me..
"How long do you have to take to graduate? Budgets are running low.."
I’m just a confused little girl, am I?
Not little anymore, but shouldn't I be confused?
You want me to do what you want me to do..
I just took a longer time than others..
You never seemed to want a kid that knows how to fend for her own survival..
Why would you be so concerned now?
Who is the one who said who can handle my living expenses?
What he said, had contributed to me having self-destruction..

Yes.. Home is a place you see me go crazy..
I just have to act like a clown to entertain them..
It's not fun..
It's definitely tiring..
The two things I loved to face at home..
My home pc, and my TV with SCV..
Not my room.

My room was never my room.
My mum sleeps in my room more than I do..
The things lying around the room is hers more than mine..
I rather we never moved into a 5-room flat.
I rather stay in the old 3-room flat we used to stay.
At least, cos no extra room, I need to stay in the same room as my parents..
It will be a better reason that I can accept.
I can't accept the fact that my mum has to stay in the same room..
Reason being, to save the electricity on the fan we used at night?!
Now that there’s no fan anymore, cos it's in my bro1's room..
Why are you still in my room?
Excuses are lame.

If you miss me, just say so.
Why is it so hard just to express yourself?
Why does Chinese traditional family have to suppress all the feelings?
You never let me hug you tight and kiss on your cheek when I was young.
You said your face was oily.
I feel so deprived..
Your face seemed to be oily all the time.
I'm really deprived.


Dear Mum..

You deprived a young girl of tender love she craved for..
Now you deprived a young adult of the privacy and space she need..
What else do you want to deprive her from?
Nothing is too late to change?
I'm sorry but to say, it's too late for me.
You can never reverse to the years that I'm the little girl running around you..
Don't try to be affectionate to me; you will make me feel uneasy.

Near to 5 years of staying away from home..
I've grown to become someone you might not even want to know.
It's better to keep it that way.
Some things are better not to be known.
You would probably feel better without knowing them..


Thanks for bringing me up this way..
I appreciate those sacrifices you've done for us..
There are some little things I still value for the family..
Though there are still some things that I'm sure I won't want them to be in my own family, if I ever gonna have one.

sugary sweet savouring @ 10:22 PM |



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