Weird me.. Emo-ing...

I think I'm really very weird..
When nothing is concrete, my emotions will only flood here..
It's hard to speak of my feelings..
Words just don't come out of my mouth..
Though many of the times, the words are just floating in my mind..

But I know..
I will speak of it freely..
When I know and can confirm that I'm on the right track..


-- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING --


Recent nights, my nose was running non stop..
I must have caught flu in the aircon room on Monday night.
I bet I never felt so cold in my life before..

That night.. there was a wish that was on my mind..
But words just don't get out of my mouth..
I wished for a goodnight hug before turning in..
It was just a simple wish..

-- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING --


I feel like a porcupine..
Cos I'm scared, so I roll up and with all my pricks..
Sometimes doing stupid things and drove people I like away..
There was a guy that I didn't dare to take a step further..
Cos I felt that I wasn't good enough..
Hello? I was very young and had a very low self esteem, okay?
Now he had disappeared forever..
ICQ.. HP.. Emails..
I tried all ways of communications..
There's no reply since his birthday in March 2002..

I deemed as "scaring people away" as my line of defense..
Defending myself from letting my heart wavered...
Cos when my heart wavered, it would be my most vulnerable moment..
If there's nothing more about anything..
I will just have to be glad to be at the current status..
Well.. I just need to be satisfied with the current status, right?


-- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING --


Last night I was emo-ing while mugging for my last paper this sem..

It's weird to know what actually cheered me up alittle and got me go on..
A cute emoticon with blinking eyes and tongue sticking out, got me smiling..
And followed by a little hug emoticon which warmed my heart...

Throughout the night..
Whenever tiredness befalls on me..
I just click on the msg box..
The 2 emoticons..
Actual fact, that only 1 emoticon actually made my weariness go off.
It's such a weird thing..
Little acts just make my day.. and it will carry over the next few days..

I'm really having low expectations in life, am I?
Or..?



-- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING --



Things will really look silly if it's a one-way traffic..
My mouth keeps mum about alot of things..
Probably like what Peishi's blog says..
You have to open up your xin1 suo3...
And first, you have to find your yao4 shi2..
And have to do it quick, else you'll just start shutting more people out.

Secondary 2.
We were asked to draw something to resemble ourselves.
And then we had to explain why.
I drew a treasure box, with big lock and no key.
I had already started locking myself up since then, huh?
Suffocated.



-- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING --



Exams just ended.
I started emo-ing again.
What's wrong with me?
Though the past month had been gruelling..
I was happy about how it was spent each day..
Mentally gruelling, but compensated by happy conversations and mealtimes..
I really have to agree with my dear Jossie..
People who can hold witty conversations, are often charming...
I had been probably charmed..


Exams just ended.
I had a question, but just now, forgot to ask on the way home.
For the past mugging month...
Had I been a pest?
Was I irritating?
Was I a lousy mugging buddy?
I felt like I'm draining my mugging buddy's energy..
Cos he had to teach me from scratch..
Probably he could have done better without my existence?
Probably he could have more energy for exams if not for teaching me?
Probably that's why when I suggested taking the same design class next sem..
He's okay with the same class, but don't want to be same group.
I agree that I'm lousy.
I'm a lousy academic mate.
I'm a academic leech.

Looking at myself for the past month..
My basic academic foundation and theories were not good..
They were probably non-existent.
I wonder how did I manage to get this far...




-- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING -- EMO-ING --



I'm just ranting and emo-ing...
These stuffs won't be on my mind for too long I think..
Locking myself up, means that nothing much can affect me in my locked space.



Dearest Bloggie..
Wishes are just wishes..
Whether they come true or not..
Does it matter?
Wishes never meant to come true anyway..


Dearest Bloggie..
I think I should just shut up now..
To others.. don't bother about me..
I will be fine after sleeping..