Saturday, June 24, 2006

To my dearie bloggie...

Don't know since when...

My dearie blog has became my loyal companion whenever I'm at home.
I start to think I was addicted to internet, computer, MSN, and even blog..

But...
Whenever I click and open Window Explorer..
Everyday, after checking emails, and probably reading up some blogs...
I don't have anything to surf for anymore.

I start to stone at my pc.
Wasting electricity...
Hoping to see people I know coming online in MSN...
And what? Crap to them?
Erh..

It's been 10 years since I started using internet...
Internet had been overall a bad influence on me..
It gave me alternative way to run away from reality..
I probably deceived myself, or even assumed another identity...
But ultimately, the true self knows what's unhealthy.. and which identities are unwanted..
Which identities are the ones to be shaken off..
True self needs to be tough.. Really tough to stand against all.. And stay unwaivered...

I'm strong.. I'm very strong and tough on the outside..
No matter what comes...
Life will go on.. Time will not stop..
When sad things happen... my tough shell seldom soften..
The soul cries.. weeps in sorrow only at late nights...
Late nights are the scary...
Darkness is scary...

I'm glad that for now.. I have no problems sleeping..
For now.. I sleep with sweet thoughts.. sweet dreams..
For I don't do anymore guessing games and thinking games..
Just be glad for every moment..
Thankful for every memories, sweet or bitter...
Taking things as they are...

What statement I want to make here tonight?!
Nope... nothing..
I just feel blank..
Just feel like talking..
Or should I say typing...

There were shoutings in the house just now.
I guess my tone in my house could have been better...
I'm lousy at controlling emotions/temper/volume to my family members..
Cos I don't feel good, when I am nice, they just make fun of me...
I don't understand what's so weird?!
Everyone in this family speaks loudly..
I thought speaking loudly to them can somehow let myself be heard..
Else... I'll get ignored again...
But speaking loudly, most of the times, been complained as shouting..
Sometimes, I just felt.. okay.. I keep mum..
Don't talk at all..
At this time.. I will be like wearing an invisible suit...
I'm just invisible...

My family has became familiar strangers sometimes..
Or maybe I'm the distant one here...
Feeling lost in the family..
What's the point of staying home whole day long...?
Just that there's nowhere else to go?
What can I say?!
Sometimes, the sense of belonging is dwindling...
At times... I feel lost in this family...

Dearie Bloggie..
It's raining heavily outside now..
I shan't type anymore.
Goodnight....!!!

sugary sweet savouring @ 1:15 AM |



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