Thursday, December 21, 2006

Reminiscing...

While watching My Lovely Samsoon..I looked around my room.. Reminiscing the times spent in this hall, this room...
And seriously speaking..
Things before my accident during FOC senior's camp were vague..
What I can only remember was the past 2 years..

Talking about my ex to G yest..
Why we broke up, why this.. why that.. I don't seemed to recall the cause..
The only thing that I can recall was the intense heartache at Hall DnD at Hotel Intercont.
That was a moment, that made me lost myself for 2 years..

After my accident..
I ever tried looking back for lost emotions.. lost memories.. lost feelings..
Those things that troubled me before the accident seemed to get knocked out of place..
I even met up some of my few flings after the accident..
Things we did together were so mundane after the accident..
No intense hatred, liking, missing..
I realised, those intense emotions about past flings and boyfriends were lost..
It's all blank.
Those happy and unhappy times..
Don't seemed to be of deep impression...
I felt.. rebirth after the accident..
Probably it wasn't that bad an accident afterall..
A slight concussion.. And that caused my life to become better..
Let go lotsa things that I couldn't let go last time..
Life feels as though it had been resetted to 4-5 years ago..
The happier, more carefree me..
A more energetic me.. Yesh!


My history in NTU..
Jul01-Jul02 First time experienced what's being loved.. But lost it too fast..
Jul02-Jul04 Lost myself.. Studies went haywire.. A big mess in my life..
Jul04-Dec05 Loads of Yummy Kitchen, Hall life, Girls power. Guys were out in this phase.
Jan06-Dec06 Fair share of Yummy Kitchen, Hall life, Girls power. And.. if you had been reading my blog, it's almost just one person in my life now..

NO Joselyn, I'm not attached.
And please don't ever asked me that anymore..

That's a disappointing question...
That's a question that will start to make my thoughts confused, and the uncertainties and doubts just pour in like how the sky poured rain for the past few days..
I hate these thoughts..
I hate being over-sensitive to little actions..
I hate to feel like a girl to start doubting and trusting, due to her little insecurities..
But I just can't help it, cos I just love the times we spent together..

Looking around my room...
I missed that time we went jogging, back to hall..
And we had some spare time..
Sat on my bed, against my big cushions by the wall..
Chit chatting.. Dinner..


Oh well..
It's probably better to leave things that way..
Memories of him shall just stay in hall, in his house.. and elsewhere..
At least, I won't be staying in hall anymore for those missed moments..
Won't be dreaming of those lost times..
My last line of defence. My home.
At least running back to my home, I can run away from scary recalls of memories..
My home, is the least corrupted place...
Cos hardly any guys came and left me deep memories here..


Living every moments as if they were the last..
Loving someone as if you've never been hurt before..
And there's much more of such sentences..
Samsoon in the Korean show said those..
I just loved to repeatedly see those few episodes...
Where they were self denial, yet so in love with each other..
I'm envious of Samsoon's courage to confront love.
I can never be like her, cos I'm a sore loser..
I'm scared that after confronting, it means the end..
I'm tortured by uncertainties.
Yet I rather be tortured, then to confront reality..
I rather be tortured, and collect more happy moments with him.
I rather be tortured by my own tears and fears..
Fear of the thought that, probably that was the last moments with him..

I'm so envious of Samsoon's courage with her principles of love..
Those Top 7 list of what she must do when she started dating..
Doing silly things and stuffs..
I can't imagine myself doing that..
Even though I thought some of those things were quite sweet...
But I just won't be able to have confidence to do that..
I have no confidence in myself..
Hence, I won't request things from the other half..
I won't request you must do this.. you must do that..
I won't have requests like.. you must fetch me home no matter what..
I won't have all these little little requests..
Cos I have no confidence in myself..

I agree with Samsoon..
Agree with her top on her Top-7-Must-Do list..
And actually..
This is the most important criteria about my ideal partner..

He must be someone,
Whom I can proudly introduce to my family and friends..
That he's the one for me!

And I must be someone, whom he can proudly introduce to his family and friends too..

Actually... this is the most important criteria for me..
Cos till now... I only wanted to introduce one guy to my family..
And we broke up before I had a chance to do so...




And with regards to my post some time ago..
Unfair to wait for long distance relationship?
Or unfair for leading on at the moment..
Thinking.. and thinking..
I felt that there's no such things of fairness in love.
Even if things don't work out in the end..
Even if time is wasted..
Even if things ended up ugly..
It's never wasted..
Cos at least...
At the very least..
Love had existed...
For the reason that Love was actually experienced, felt..
It's never wasted..

And even if the other one ended up with another girl..
May it be a new girl, or a old-time lover..
If you really love the person..
You will just let go..
Or probably sometimes, I let go too easily..
Cos I strongly believe, if the person you love, is happier with someone else..
Let him be.. At the very least, he had gotten his happiness..
And I just had to look forward and search my own happiness all over again..


Sovil Titus caption..
Bu zai hu tian chang di jiu, zhi zai hu ceng jing yong you...

Another caption from don't know where..
True Love does not have happy ending..
Cos true love does not end.

What's your caption for love?!

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