Friday, March 09, 2007

Sorting things out..

Thanks to Junkai-"jie" and Jossie after talking over msn yesterday...

Thank you Jossie for telling me what you saw today.

I hadn't get things sorted out.

But I probably just carry out drastic actions, to force things to get sorted out.

Life can be very different from now on.

And I guess, I will be happier than I was in the past year.

Or probably I have forgotten who I am over the last year..

A quest, an aim.. A determination to break free...

Tears is nothing but nonsense.
Sadness is nothing but tripping stone in life.
Feelings is nothing but spices to life... Bitter, Sweet, Sour, Spicy, Salty...

Sleepless nights is nothing...
Waking up to nightmares is nothing...
Waking up in middle of night and washed with tears is nothing...
These are nothing but results in dark eye circles and eye-bags gradually surfacing...

Bottled up feelings, sadness, and unhappiness is nothing...
Bittersweet feelings is nothing...
Blogging is nothing, but causing people to get disturbed...
Letting others scrutinize my blog is nothing... but to know how judgemental people can get...

Promises are nothing...
Promises like going to the roof-top of Shaw House... is nothing but just an empty promise...
Promises like my birthday gift.. is nothing but disappointment after another..

Sweet words like hoping to go overseas alone, just the two...
Are probably thoughts that flow, and nothing but just feel like saying at that time...
Sweet words like missing someone after a long family trip
Are really great, but when details like some other is inside...
Such sweet words are just hard to believe that they are true...
Or even worse, if they are true..
It's scary to know that one can feel for two at the same time...

Lies are nothing... but stories that never be able to link from one to another...
And such unlinked stories just reveal to you so clearly that they are branded as 'LIES'...
Hiding things are nothing..
But actions to reveal how stupid one thought can keep things away from another...

Concerns and encouragement are nothing... but actions to make me more fragile...
Achievement is nothing... when the family does not share the joy...
Achievement is nothing... when the one who shared the joy, is the one who gives me most hurt..

Being trusting is nothing.. especially the trust was misplaced all these while...
Being betrayed by someone you trust most is nothing...
But just a very painful lesson learnt that NO ONE CAN BE TRUSTED...
Yet why does the heart still so willing to trust such a person?
Is love a reason?
If it is.. Damn the word love.. for it's such a torturous word...

Progressing on in life is nothing...
When one is stuck in a current vicous cycle of getting hurt and more hurt...
The ticking of time is nothing.. but adding seconds to misery....
When things in the mind weigh you down... happy times just push the hurt further...
Hurt has never been so intense.... never...
Probably after this time...
Nothing else.. and no one else can hurt me further, except this particular subject..


Everything is nothing....
Only if I have more courage..
I rather choose to leave this world, full of everything, yet empty like nothing...
I have lived enough to seen the ugly side...
I have lived enough to be tied down by heavy invisible chains to my life...
I have lived enough to get betrayed...
I have lived enough....

A friend of ours chose to leave us without a word 2 years back...
Recently I recalled the short times, the few occasions we were together as a group...
I thought he was happy guy... yet his existence was so short-lived...
I admire you for your courage.. but if I could talk to you again...
I would really want to ask you.. How's life after death? Will you choose this route again?
Is death a selfish act? Or you had felt it's time to get selfish about all other things?

All these while, I was probably just a fool...
A fool that ran to and fro from east to central, to west...
Just to prepare a voodoo bear for a present during that one short day...
A fool that have been putting someone of a higher priority than the fool herself...
A fool that have been putting someone of higher importance than the friends around her..
Friends of the fool know and understand her moves.. thankfully...
Friends of the fool have been questioning her, of her foolish moves...
Why on earth do you know that you are a fool, and still continue to be one?
Friends of the fool couldn't do anything...

A fool that planned months before, to get a model car for a birthday present...
A model car that had gone through contacts and shipped all the way from states..

Leo, if you are reading this..
You probably think that this phase of my life, is a replicate of that phase during jc...
Being a fool then, to pick up saga seeds.. washed them and present them as love token..
Being a fool to do work that was out of my jobscope..
Being a fool to cry and feel sad at that corner behind the school hall's PA control room...
Being a fool and did many things
It's all nothing significant at all, isn't it?

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