中了部络格毒, I must move on.

自从那天起，我就不停地上部络格，不停地书写。
我想也快要疯了。
Yesterday alone, I had like 4 long entries...

昨天，我一点多就睡了。
三点，又起身了。

三点 至 五点半，
又找了一位还没睡的朋友，聊起话来。
我睡不着。
我脑海里真的已经没想了，已经不想再想了。
但我的心，却一直忐忑不安。
仿佛还被那晚的电话惊吓到，心还没平伏下来。

过后，我含着泪水，睡了。我不由自主地落泪了。
抱着同样的枕头... ...
上个星期，我还是开开心心、甜甜蜜蜜地，就好像在他的怀抱里，渐渐地入眠。
现在抱着同样的枕头... ...
我的心，却是那么痛。

七点半，我有醒了。
这么办? 我的心情起伏很大很大。

当我想着一些事情，我总觉得，没什么了不起的。
还觉得有些事情真的是不可思议。
还觉得有些事情蛮好笑的。
觉得好笑，也许是被他影响的。
对他来说，什么事情都好像没什么大不了的...
都会以笑声把气氛弄得好笑起来。

但，当我想着不知的未来时...
想着千万个如果、若是、也许、可能会发生的事...
我的不安又再次重现。

事情往往是这样。
你越是抗拒，你会越想越多。
十五个月来，我都感到很开心。
他渐渐地在我的生活里，扎了根。
也渐渐地、不知不觉地，当了我的精神支柱、点燃了我对生活的热诚。
支柱不见了。热诚也灭了。
我是该找事情来做了，但我真的力不从心。
我多希望我现在在准备考试，也许就不会想这么多了。
怎么事情会沦落到这种局面?


Live every moments as if they were the last....

十五个月来，我都把每一天当成我们共度的最后一天。
直到最近，我们对五月到六、七月有了计划，
我对这最后一天失去了防备。
想不到，就这么快。

No. I'm not disappointed in him. I'm really not.
I'm not disappointed in anyone.
Negative feelings aren't there at all...

It's just the letting go that's painful.
Other than that, the good old times are just too happy to smile about, and not to frown upon them...
Everything was just too happy, to even feel sad...
It's such a weird feeling though, that everything we had was too happy, no reasons to frown upon..
Too happy. No reasons to feel sad, except the part to let go.
Why is this so har? So confusing. Never had this feeling before.


Liying said...
Whatever either of them tell me is affecting me.
And said that I need to take a break from all these. Then I'll recover.
She said, "Just let them discover themselves whether they are meant for each other"
And that I don't have to go through all these trauma for them.
Decision was made. I had to move on with my life.
Time will heal. Time will make me gradually let go.
No one will know what will happen in future.
For now, I just need to pack up the feelings, keep it somewhere for memories, and move on.
Cos what I feel, how I feel, can't change anything. Decision is not mine to make.

How I wish there's a fastforward button, so that I can go to the time where all else cool down.


If he's not the one, probably the one is still out there waiting to meet me.. =)

Labels: Insomnia, Love, Upset