Sunday, May 27, 2007

EMO Sunday

Yesterday Jan told me..
You know why I'm pushing you to do this and that?
Part of the reason, is just cos she wants something to occupy my mind, instead of all these...

This sentence took quite sometime before settling into my mind...
Oh.. So.. that's part of the reason?
I'm still always mentioning about him, am I right??
Going to PitsTop last night, remind me of Settlers Cafe...
Reminded me of Blackmail, the animal game, the snatch the whatever thing...
And that evening at Fisherman's Village, sitting next to each other...
Looking over the sea... Waiting for Kok Fei and Alvin to join us...

The steamboat last night, reminded me of Chong Qing Hotpot at Suntec..
Our KTV session...

This morning I woke up...
Just feeling low.....
Actually, it's more of fear that I felt...
I fear to trust any guys anymore..
I fear to fall in love...
I fear to trust any guy that will stop breaking my heart.....
Stop making me cry..
Stop making me miserable...
I'm just an easily contented girl...
The whole of today...
The fear grew throughout the day...
From only thoughts that fear...
Till me clamping my teeth again...
Till stiffened necks, and tensed up shoulders and muscles...
Till I kept feeling this spasm going through all these tensed up areas every now and then...
I feel like screaming..
Letting out my fear......

Probably there's too much fear in me...
It's hard to love anyone without holding back...
It's such a tough struggle to love whole-heartedly..
It's hard to let the be loved felt loved...
If my fear kept holding me back from loving whole-heartedly..
For the next time..
It's gonna be worst...
I need more to melt the heart.. I need more to sooth the fear..
I.. I.. probably happier alone..

Like I always said..
I'm always opened to my past dates, and boyfriends...
Cos you all had ever been in my considerations before...
That time, I accepted your flaws...
This time, unless you had made some improvements..
Like drive in life, or directions in life...
Hmm.. some improvements on those flaws will be a value-add too...
I will definitely consider you back again...
But if you were still stagnant at the point when we left each other....
It's a no way..


Today when I was out...
I realised life is so vulnerable...
Lately I heard the news of my 'bro-cousin's "mother" is suffering from 4th stage of lung cancer..
Doc says operation won't help anymore.. Too late..
My bro-cousin's business flopped..
I forsee, this part of my family will be like what you see in drama serials...
Only till older age, my bro-cousin will then realised the importance of kinship...
We, the real brothers and sister, will always be there if you ever keep contact with us...
Talk to us in those snobbish accent.. Things don't work that way...
Please speak to us using your heart..
Didn't your currently legalised parents never teach you before?



Life's so vulnerable....
That day when I went for my crazy walking...
When I was standing along Telok Blangah Rd, the stretch above the expressway...
I stood there for quite some time...
Looking and staring at the cars streaming under the bridge....
I thought to myself... Death is easily achievable...
Just climb and jump...

Today.. I thought to myself..
It's so easy to be killed on the road...
Don't know how many people meet accidents a day.. and die...
Will there be my turn??
Accidents are probably the best way to explain your death...
Suicides are nothing but mental and emotional torture to all people who know you...

Standing by the MRT track at AMK today...
Do you know it's so easy to get killed by MRT too?
Just go see a doc, take some drowsy medicine...
Stand next to the track, and fall in, when the train comes..
Then you won't be said to be committing suicide..
Sorry if this sounds similar to any case that had happened, it's just a coincidence..

Deterioration in health.. that only happens to old people...
Or at least not to me at the moment...
I fear for this day, my heart will fail me...
Cos that's the most fragile part....
Physically, the weakest organ...
Emotionally, the weakest organ as well..

Death.. Is it really so scary??
You guys better pray that courage and stupid-ism don't fall on me...
For I'm tired of living... (cos I lost my direction in life...)




It's tiring...
Everytime I'm on the road.. I often look around if I can spot my Teleport machine.
Cos all the while, it wasn't uncommon that I spot it on the road..

It's tiring...
That every other things I do, or places I go...
It's tiring that the memories, renacting of memories appear...
And I'm totally absorbed by it and not aware of the current time..
Time freeze, and time went back...

I found myself being absorbed and trapped by happy memories...
So much so that I could even cause myself my life..
Especially when I was crossing the road...
For the past 2 months.. I wondered how many times I've been horned at...
How many times I felt cars brushing across me so close...

I'm a lone-ranger..
It's easier to find me, then for me to find others.
Everyone assumes I have my own plans...
It had been like this for many years...
I guess.. I just have to live with it...
Just like this evening......

From start of last year till now..
Whenever I purposely want to find people out...
Cos to prove that my life don't revolve around him..
My friends are just occupied with some other things...
I'm even feeling angry about the one who stayed in the same block as him now..
Out of ten times you ask me out, I go out most of the times..
Out of ten times I ask you out... I'm still waiting to see which time you will go out...
Fine.. I'm not going to ask you out anymore..



This late evening, I don't know why..
I ended up at my fave bus stop...
It should be my fave... cos the bus there don't bring me home direct...
The bus will make a big detour round my primary school... and then back to interchange..
Everytime, I had the choice of alighting much earlier before MacRitchie, and catch my 165.
But I never requested so...
Cos even that short 5 more minutes ride, makes a difference...
Cos every minute and second with the driver is just so precious to me...

But now, even a chance to meet up for lunch...
My mind is totally blank...
There is this question...
Why? Why do we still need to meet up?
To chill out and to catch up??
There isn't any to catch up on my side..
Cos nothing's moving...
Everything's in a mess....

My temper is getting from bad to worse...
Sorry mother... I've been snapping at you a lot...
That small voice in me had been screaming from the trauma, and hasn't stopped screaming ever since...
Sorry that I can't control, and let that screaming came out loud....

Back to the meet up...
I really wish to meet up..
BUt.. no.. has meeting up lost its purpose...
Every chance of meet up.. I just yearned for a hug....
Every time, I'm just so simple..
I just want to see you.. be in your presence...
I just wished for at the very least.. a goodbye hug...
I never asked anyone for hugs this often.... I only asked once from Ziyi I think..
Now.. Do I still get my goodbye hug?
If no... why do I want to meet up with you... if I can't find comfort in you like I did in the past?
I don't know if I will be nonchalent and happy, or sad... just sad.... and feel the pain...
If it's normal guy friends.. I don't keep guy friends close to me...
Cos things will happen like what happened between us...
I probably didn't know how to catch up with guy friends now and then and stuffs...
I fear too much for history to re-enact...


Just now, I was there...
At my fave bus stop....
I'm just looking up to the sky...
I know I won't bump into anyone on this special day at this place..
Cos assuming normally, on special days, hardly anyone will hang around their house area...
There's higher possibilities for gaming sessions in Katong area though...
Thus, I felt much at ease, able to hang around, without bumping into anyone there and then..
Can this just stop... Can thoughts just stop?
This is sooo much of making me want to scold vulgarities...


It feels like..
Time has travelled 20000000000000km...
Emotions has travelled 0.0000001km.
Work has travelled 10 out of 20000000000000km?
Now what I need.. is a cocoon shell..
I need to hide myself..
Give time and think things through...
Finding things to substitute and make my life busy don't work...
Tested and proven...
Ziyi's case... Busy for the consecutive 3-4 years...
When take away the word 'busy'...... The ouch is there.....
The.. 'I just want to take a look at you..' and 'I just want to know you are well...'
Etc, etc.... Just swing and slap me right in my face, after taking away the word 'busy'...

So... NO...
I don't want to use this method...
Cos my life will start to become empty instead of moving on...
I need to find my own directions, before I move the next step..
I don't want to be like now... Jumping in... and getting frustrated...

My pending ticket to Hongkong...
I decided to give it a miss...
Should save up the money..
So that, should I one day within these 3 months, submit my resignation letter...
I still have some savings to survive on..
4 days of holidays..
I need a better plan...

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sugary sweet savouring @ 9:33 PM |



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