Dearie Bloggie,

I'm feeling bewildered.

Somewhat misinterpreted.

Seems like typing ways and means of killing myself sounded really as if I'm committing suicide..
Rather than.. 'Just kill me'... hmm.. I'll think about it...

In my opinion, those who commit suicide, hardly talk about it at all...

Quite proven... Sorry to talk about this again...
This guy who left us, took us all by surprise...
No prior suicidal signs...
Not even from his blog...

Many a times, I said enough, I definitely can't find the guts of doing it..

And.. jumping off from the highest floor of my flat is tested and proven..
It's a definitely dead case..
Don't even need to put any sharp objects to confirm death...
The old uncle last year proved it all... or was it auntie?!
Died cos he didn't want to drag his family on for his sickness... or something like that...


My opinion of my life...
No matter what happened..
My life is too expensive to be given up...
So much money to give birth to me...
Straight after birth, money have to be used on my mum's operation, due to some complications..
Then it was the operations I underwent...
The so many new textbooks and stuffs throughout the years...
Cos they changed the editions for my year, I can't use my brothers'...
The years I wasted in NTU...

Wah.. it sounded my life is measured in monetary terms...
But well.. so long as I felt I haven't done enough to prove my parents, I'm worth the money..
I won't let them go through the heartbreak of losing me physically..
And losing me physically, they still have to pay for my funeral and stuffs, right?!

Being see-no-up in the family is enough lah..
I'm always spoiling things and losing things....
If I just begone like that.. no way I tell them...
You didn't make a mistake giving life to me..

Whatever it is...
No matter how much I will lose myself...
I will definitely not lose myself to death...
I'm not too sure what extend I will go... but definitely not death..
Self-inflicted pain... It has became a habit...
Wanting to self-inflict pain, to reduce/distract the pain that's thrusting the heart..
Self-inflicted pain.. is nothing but a habit...
And will not lead to death...
Apparently... My life isn't so vulnerable physically...

The matter of truth...
Seeing my past smses and analysing for so many times...
I know what situations I had been in..
I'm not the normal girl you all think to be..
I don't even understand how girls really think...
Things are really a full stop when the two girls had the last conversation, about my peanuty-flavoured salary..
I really don't ask for more...

I did my fair share of avoiding..
Refusing to meet up for lunch that last Saturday of May...
Giving up my pre-planned Hkg trip, cos avoid any possibilities of meeting over there...
I did my fair share of avoiding troubles, before I lost it again after Shrek3..
Lost it again to something unavoidable...
Sms that can reach you, even though you aren't nearby...
I can't imagine how things can become if I didn't cancel my trip...

Talking to Jan, so.. she knew who I was talking to that night of Shrek3..
No wonder that pissed off look.. Looks as if she wana break my hp into two..

I really don't ask for more...
There's really people like me, not wanting for more..
Just happy to see happy things happening from far...

My recent crazy reactions..
Were just like the word reaction...
Re-action.. a response to an action..
Seeing those sms.. these reactions..
Though might gotten too extreme, but they had a cause to it..

For now, these smses will just be stored, as a warning to me..

Case closed. And please susie, stop telling ur blog anymore things related to this.

Love,
Susie