Saturday, June 23, 2007

A closure to a beautiful tale.

What is a blog?
A vent of frustrations?
When too many friends reading blog...
Blog becomes in line with how I behave in front of all.
But oh well.. hearing other cases, I guess blog was a good outlet..
It's better to have one, than to have none...
I hope that the one who has none, to be strong...
And the ones around him, to be strong too...
One without outlet, having too much things to shoulder, will caused overloading..
Stop reproaching the one at fault....... Just stop it....
I shan't add anymore frustrations to you..
I finally fully understand the situations..
How difficult position to be in....
I understand it fully now...


Quoted from someone..
"Susan, I feel very upset to see Susan is no longer the happy Susan anymore..."

There was an urge to recover happy-go-lucky me.
Only that moment, cos I felt guilty or so.
Guilty for making my friends sad.
Ask me how I did it happily the 2nd week after things happened?
Cos it was all a strong front being put up....

Why? Why is there such a stereotyping of me??
Or was it me that had changed??
Why is it these words are associated to me??
Strong, happy, nonchalent, logical, sensible....
I'm tired to be the matured one in our clique....
I'm tired to be the laff non stop girl....
I'm tired to be that bouncy girl....
I'm tired to behave what I ought to behave....
I'm tired of taking care of people around me....
I'm tired that I have to hide my emotions...
Cos no one could feel how I feel......
It's always easier to say from outside point of view...
Difficult to do it in the first place.

Who am I?
What am I?
What do I do?

My purpose in life...
Preparing myself the best for the guy I will be together with till the end of time.
Best as in, all ways...
Life have to be really be smiley from the bottom of the heart.
And... the rest of the things, just fill in the blanks in future...
I must be proud to say that I'm the woman behind my successful man...
I will be able to help and assist in all ways...
I'm not a strong career-minded person.
I want someone whom I'm proud to introduce to my friends...
Even though they have their different opinions about him, I'll back him up no matter what.....
Now the space, once occupied, is now vacant again...
I just need someone to replace that empty space now..
That space that I used to divert all my energies and attention to for the past year...
Now empty... I felt lost...
Cos empty space was huge, and now that area is nothing but vacuum.


Other than that...
Blank. No purpose.
Options open? What's that?
I'm tired about this.
I'm scared of opening up.
Cos every time I open up, someone will just come by to sweep me...
Come and go like a gust of wind...
Just that the previous wind was a higher volume, and blew through a longer time...


I'm tired...
Tired of no one wanting to own me, but just likes to have me by the side...
I'm tired... no name no recognition no acceptance...
It's tougher and tougher each time..
To get me convinced and fall in love...

Cat last year asked me...
Why scared of falling in love?
My reply was..
Scared of falling in love, cos I'm scared of falling out of it...
And asked...
Why bother to fall out of it?
My reply...
Cos you never know what will happen...
And the only worry to this that I had always been wary of...
Ended up to be exact cause of it..


I'm just an easily contented girl.
So long as you can make me fall for you.
You'll have me for the longest time.
I believe love is not only to be couple love.
If you can't be together, you wish for the best of each other...

Past years..
I had always been standing afar... looking at someone...
Just as I finally can remove this headcount to zero...
Cos I believe he had achieved happy and stable life....
Just as I want remove this headcount, there's a different person falling into this cate...
Standing from afar, blessing and if help is needed, I will just appear...
My heart goes all out to those who had melted me... No expiry date..

No need to feel bothered with my existence.
I'm never out to vie anything not meant to be... or at least not allowed to be...
Somethings just can't be forced...

I don't need to know about many things..
On the very first day, I don't need to start talking over msn at all..
I don't need to know what is going between the two..
The more I knew, the more I know of things being kept under close tabs or what...
The more upset I felt for the other...
Ultimately, knowing all these, I felt upset for the other..
I said quite clearly... I just want the best for the other...
I don't need to get wind of all these, which I personally deemed, upsetting..
And it just goes on and on, repeatedly, cos I'm upset by things I heard...

Quoted something being said..
May it be... just becos of rounding things up in gd words...
Or you really mean it.... I really have to agree with the beautiful story we once had...

Nothing short of spectacular and fabulous...
All adjectives good.
Time and circumstances didn't fit us perfectly.

Whatever it is...
It was a perfect short love story....
Ending may not be happily ever after donkey princess and her charming...
But.. it's still a beautiful story being written in history...
Final chapter closed.

Woken up from fairy tale..
Nothing is lost...
Friendship is never lost, and always treasured.
And it will just stay that way as it is...

That rest of that whole sms.. very true..
As for now...
I guess just need to get out of it...
Else no matter how beautiful memories are..
They will just turn sour if all these continue....



Sorry about last night, for adding frustrations...
I totally lost sanity....
I even buried my hp... walked away... and ran back to recover it...
Cos there are more and more weird numbers calling me...
I never cried my heart out for soooo long...
And yes, I swallowed all my words when I cried...
That's why my communication 5+ years ago was via writing on papers..
I always lose out in talking, so end up writing became more effective than crying and talking..
Feeling calm, to write my emotions out to my other one...

I don't remember crying to such intensity....
The last time of being so upset....
Was probably the time when everything started after that mambo night last year...
This time, cried, and scared, and shivered like before...
Nowhere I found my comfort hug... my homely sayang...


Moving on to the unknown future... alone...
I'm lost... Who am I?
What should I do?

I can no longer judge people...
For those who seemed to be, the best good guys for their gfs..
Even the good guys stray....
Now that these guys breakup from the gfs...
Free and available...
Don't come to me, and tell me years ago, when I was having a breakdown...
There's an urge to hug me and what not...
Go find your infidelities that caused you the breakup...
Don't find me at all... I'm just a friend.. Nothing more...

Porcupine is back with her pricks...
Don't come near me.
Don't try to melt my heart.
It still hurts.

Labels:

sugary sweet savouring @ 4:26 PM |



0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home

Get awesome blog templates like this one from BlogSkins.com