Wednesday, July 04, 2007

FULL STOP

It's been many months...
Looking back in time..
I've forgotten many things that were once memories I treasured...
Flashing back all the way from the Christmas in 2005 till early this year...
I've realised I got myself stuck in my own unhappiness without knowing...


Looking back at those upset diaries I wrote in my book throughout the whole of 2006...
I've realised that every happy moments brought along very upsetting ones...
Every happy moments in 2006 made me scold myself...
Every happy moments just made myself urge myself to wake up from my dream...
Every happy moments got me into more and more confusion...
Every happy moments just got me more and more difficult to let go...
I've realised I've stopped making plans for myself...
Stopped planning to go out actively...
All because I just was on stand-by mode...
Everyday, waiting and waiting, just want to be available for HIM, the busiest person on earth..
Just want to be available whenever my company was needed...
Just want to get more happy moments...
Which in turn make me dip down to upset ones every time before I turned in...


When happy times should just end there and then...
I thought I was strong enough...
Everyone was telling me, should just stay away from the couple..
Cos whatever they say or do or ask... will get me affected, and my emotions, unstable..
I think, I was too stubborn...
I thought there was nothing I did against my conscience..
There was nothing I need to hide... Totally no need...


But.. I was wrong..
Ignorance was really a bliss...
I need not know many many things....
Knowing more things got me really affected...
My emotions waivered at first...
Then they stabilized... and was peaceful..
Then got agitated, and fluctuated totally, cos I was led on..
Then I lost it all.. I just want to let go of all the things I was holding..


And yes.. I let them out to what HE said.. the RIGHT PERSON..
What should I do?
I was caught in between.....
A gf who said she had the rights to know everything...
And.. myself, caught in my emotions turmoil...


My turmoil....
Was it HE who wanted the best of both worlds?
Or it was just HIS fault by expressing what HE feels..
Venting feelings... There's a right and wrong timing...
There's a right and wrong person to vent to...
To the one you are with, yes.
And no to any others. Just wrong, and no.
Obviously it's more important to vent feelings, than to care for the other's feelings..
And end up disrupting the peace of the ones you feel for... and causing hell out of them...
Was it the best of both worlds, or really didn't know that venting = hell to others..


I remember so clearly, that last year...
I admired, touched, and fall deeper in love, when I was told this..
That this HIM can only call someone darl' when HE feels strongly for...
It was such an irony... that when I felt given up, and harbour no more hopes..
I was told of love and such again..
It's so unlucky.. The timing is always like this...
Everytime, on the verge of just the final lap to let go.....
It's such a torture... So torturous...
Stupid me, just didn't realised that hearing the word love, was actually torturous then..
Then, what's the point of hearing it, and treasuring it, when it just continued torturing me then?


After knowing some same sms being sent...
The so-called secrets...
How would I know if they were just same smses sent to 2 different people..
And.. it's just not tolerable to say love to 2 different people...
One.. the gf... the other, me..?
It's just totally not tolerable... heartbroken.. totally...
The heart... The already smashed pieces got grinded and became size of sand...


Yes.. My fault to reveal the secrets...
But I was never 'so willing to' reveal those secrets...
NEVER...
I did hesitated... for quite some time...
I even went to the ladies during that office hours quite a few times...
Just to wipe off, or let go those tears...
and yes.. I let the secrets to the RIGHT person..
Cos I agree with her, gf has all the rights to know everything...
And yes, I had all the obligations to tell everything...
And yes, I wasn't forced to tell...
But no, she didn't dig at it...
She merely said things like..
Asking me to 'tell her more things'...
Saying that it's okay if I don't feel comfy to share the secrets...
Cos she just don't want to end up me saying that she probed me for it...


Checkmate. Checkmate. Checkmate.

Not saying things. I'm hiding things, depriving of rights...
Saying things out. I'm betraying HIM.
I was not able to withstand this kind of stress anymore.
Wasn't me out of the picture of 'possibly to be with HIM' already?

Then, I should have stopped there, not to talk to HIM after that..
But I just hate the idea of being blamed...
Hearing that every blame was just pushed to me...
I just didn't want to become the previous girl..
Everytime walking past... there she is.. and I start hearing things about her..
So what if people's bf break up, and patch with her?
So what if she's wearing dresss more often?
So what if she's doing this and that? Can't just stop talking about her, right?


I've learned this phrase in hokkien now...
kiang jiu hor, mai gey kiang...
I shouldn't call to hear what was blamed...
Realising the move I did in my checkmate situation, was said to be some strategy..
I was lost.. totally lost for words....
Smashed right to the bottom...
After all these while... what kind of person I am.. yuan2 lai2 is all not clear....
How true I treat all the people around me, even to truer to HIM..
Me...? Unscrupulous?? Strategy??


Yes... I regretted saying those to her...
Cos they are actions of betrayal of trust to HIM...
I regretted not cos I was probed to say..
I'm not forced to say.. I did hesitated..
I just want to let go of all the things I had and get out the picture totally...
Just simply regretted cos it's a betrayal of trust...

And it's just weird about the msn on the following day...
Probably the last one with the gf..
It's just weird.. Like.. what did I do to push all the blame on her?
I just said I wasn't 'so willingly to' say those secrets to her..
And I said 'she asked about it'... Really wah..
Just that too emotional, so maybe left out those that she didn't force me to..
Back of my mind, I did hesitated... not simply 'so WILLINGLY to share'..
I did hesitated... and given a time limit to say things before 6pm, knock off time..
Was I silly or stupid? I was both perhaps..
Forcing myself to make a decision to say or not before that time...


And the msn was weird, cos she probably said or thought it was some strategy of mine to meet her and stuffs...
So weird.. strategy again...?
To meet her, I had my fair share of hesitation..
All my friends warned me, cos they suspected strategy as well...
Strategy to get me out of the picture forever and ever..
Like.. hello everyone??!
What is this? Playing some warcraft or what?
I hate all these strategy games...


Think, that meet up night..
It was quite funny, Jac was probably around the mall, in case 'anything' happens...
Thanks babe...

And out of the blue, bringing up the matter that I initiated smses....
Erh... I was just very sure about the sequence of things...
Cos I always have a 'If-Else' command...

{ if (I had not moved on,)
words melt my heart totally, after I even told HIM not to do so..
just hold on to it, follow it, respond to such feelings;

else (if I had moved on already)
{if
still attached, don't fall for honey words ever again...
else
single, I may consider...
}}

Ok... It's been 5 years since I last touched computer language..
Sucks, and probably very wrong...

But this logic is there.... I will only do this, if that happens..
I swear with all my life, my happiness, my health, my everything...
There wasn't much initiation from my side...
The rest, what I did was just responding...
Responding to HIM, someone I used to love very much..
They were just responses I would do to my loved ones....

My fault to involve the first loop.
I should just take away the first loop...
Whether or not I've moved on totally, I shan't be melted at all...

My fault.. my fault that I couldn't find myself angry at HIM sms-ing and calling me..
My fault to allow myself to melt at the last time... to allow myself led into all these...
My fault to feel for HIM....
My fault... all my fault.. just blame me.. haiz..
My fault...

Just never let me fall for any wrong person anymore..
I can never suffer from anymore of these...
Struggling not to fall in love...
Then, struggling not to fall too deep into love..
Then.. waiting and waiting... struggling in between to wait or not to...
Struggling and surviving all these heartbreaks
I can never suffer such things anymore.. No more..


What exactly happened.. I had very vague impression..
Who say what and what happened... Vague...
The above said, was just about all the last things I could remember...
If anyone who really really really know the head and tail of everything...
Just let me know lah..



It was a pity that I was being blocked from msn..
And we were never friends to speak in future, probably...
It was just such a pity, and I never believed friends had to end up like this..
I never had friends ending up like this...
Erh.. Apart from that bf I had, I just can't have him as my friend anymore..
The kind of mental torture he gave... All my friends then, can be my witness...
Yah.. Apart from this guy, I never see anyone else worth ending up like this...



But... after I think through and through...
This wasn't too bad afterall...
Betrayal of trust had made HIM hate/don't trust me, and just leave me alone for good...
If things just fated to be like this.. Thanks fate.

A good long lesson learned.
I gotta stop being so draggy at all... and be my sa3 tuo1 self again...
I gotta be less stubborn and put my emotional tolerance to test again...
Just now, I've finally did what I supposed to do long time ago...
Finally trashed some things.. Not seeing them really are good way of stopping myself from reminded of the memories.. It's not avoiding.. It's just getting over them..



But oh well...
All things turned bad.. but not too bad afterall...


I used to think...
No expectations, hence no disappointments..
Little things just brighten up and adds a smile to my face..
These was what I thought....
Little did I know, all these endless waitings and waitings...
Had gradually piling up hopes and hopes and more hopes...
Till the day I fell.. then I only realised that I was actually so high in hopes by then...
What a great fall...
But now, I will never go by that.. no expectations, hence no disappointments...
At least expectations keep things in check...

After all these disturbances...
When I finally know that I'm gonna hear nothing from either two of them anymore..
I finally felt peace...


I no longer having my hp with me all the time, looking forward to the smses..
No longer having my hp with me all the time, looking forward to the phonecalls...
No longer have to pay my phonebills to $50 over.. Just my normal $20+.. lol.
No longer coming online, facing my pc all the time, looking forward to HIM coming online...
No longer coming online, facing my pc all the time, looking forward to HIM msning me...
No longer storing those past loving smses that melted me in my hp..
No longer turning down dates, just for the last minute calls of meet-up...
No longer have to caught into dilemma about hiding or depriving of rights to know truth..
No longer have to save messages, just to safeguard myself, if I was accused to be the one initiating..
No longer have to be afraid... upset.. heartbroken again and again and again..
How many times I had seen stuffs and got heartbroken... lost count..
How many times I hate myself of letting myself melted, and going back to square one, forgetting all those that I felt heartbroken about...
The last few were just the most intense..
Intense is good. Then I will stop thinking of things that hurt so much.

Case closed. Hopefully for now and for all...
Lots of question marks I had.
And no longer want to know why.
It's always wanting to know more, that caused more question marks..
So closed. closed closed closed closed.

FULL STOP

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