Wednesday, July 18, 2007

i wana erase tat nightmare tat occur 10 yrs ago...

It's really a struggle.

I hate looking pretty sometimes..
It just lured praises, and just put ideas into those minds...
The 'wrong-est' ideas...

A pretty red dress...
Thanks for telling me how I can enhance the visual effects, if I wear a push-up bra...
Thanks for telling me much more things... that I really no need to know...
Years ago, I can still respond and reply... and even led you all on with empty talks...
But just not now..



Yah..
For the past months, I tried reliving those haphazard life during that few early 20s years...
Cos I remembered those times were the days I lose myself totally...
And totally not bothered by things around me...
Not bothered by negative comments and stuffs...
In fact, those were the days when I'm mentally and emotionally strongest...
Hence, I was able to withstand those different types of jerks I meet..
And I was so ever focused in what I wanted to achieve..


After my accident...
My motivation to achieve reduced to none..
I took a step back, out of everything I used to be in...
And took a look at a bigger picture...
I slowed down my pace.. and yes...
Life should be enjoyable.. rather than all work no play...

I learned to enjoy life...
My Yummy Kitchen became more established...
And I learned to enjoy happy gatherings...
Happy greedy faces outside my rooms...
Laughters and more laughters into the late nights...



I've also learned..
I need to cut off my dark history...
I need to suppress that spilt personality of mine..
I truly believe that was a true spilt personality...
Cos I can never find reason why I can be so awake, yet tired... and tired, yet awake..
Like.. a moment, I was lying in bed, about to snooze...
The next moment, I was up like another person.. at the pc, assuming the other 'me'...

Never know why.. I can be awake in my room in darkness...
Using my pc, assume another name, talking to an entire different group of 'friends'...
I guess this phenomenom, to date, I actually confessed to one person before...
This person, who actually knew the existence of the other me..
He probably had forgotten about it, or really didn't know that this other 'me' is bothering me..
Cos it's been a few years...

This strange phenomenom...
It seems like when I was really very tired or lethargic...
Suddenly this other 'me' will just take over...
My eyes were heavy... and yet... this other 'me' can just start doing all the things...
It feels like the original me is either stoning or having a nap..
And this other 'me' will just carry on, and be very awake and talk talk talk non-stop..

Sometimes, this happen in the day...
I will just say I was sleeping and hibernating in my room...

Sometimes, this happen in the evening....
When assumed this other 'me' can continue typing and stuffs from 5+, 6?
All the way till midnight or so... Don't even need to eat dinner also......
And everyone else thought I was not in my room at all...
Even knockings on my door were ignored...
And later I just had to lie, saying that I was sleeping....

Sometimes, this happen at night...
Throughout the night till 6 or 7 am...
Sometimes I didn't sleep at all, and went for classes...
I didn't sleep at all... But it felt totally different...
The other 'me' was so awake.. and it feels like my usual self is sleeping, resting...
It takes alot.. time after time.. to suppress the other 'me'....




I really can't live like how I did at the age of 20-23...
Those days are hell...
Those were the days, that the other 'me' was dominating my life...
I dread it as people of the past, constantly, kept appearing at staggered times...
Reminding me again and again...
Is it a coincidence or what?
2 of such people MSNed me during this typing...
I should block them.. But I want to face it...
Blocking is very much like running away..
I'm just too stubborn, putting my strength to test again and again..
Deleting some already so not me... my strength test had failed for those, hence, the deletion..

I really can't remember what exactly happened...
And I can't remember why I ever fall for this and that persons before that accident...
Talking to you people again..
I'm sorry.. I really can't speak like how I speak last time...
Cos that few years of past were nothing much but scary... haphazard... haywire...
I just know I can't associate myself like with you all, like this again...



There was this point of time last year..
A terrible struggle...
That this other 'me' actually tried to merge with my current me...
This other 'me' stopped using the fake name at a couple of times...
Such that a month or two ago, I found myself being 'stalked'....
My hp number and stuffs.. All about me..
This other 'me' nearly got out to meet those friends that she made..
I really can't imagine, last year... if I really went out... haiz...


For myself,
I've reduced contacts with them to the minimum...
Those planned meet-ups last year, just don't work out..
Picking me up at my house for late night drives to Punggol, etc, blah blah blah...
MSN-ing me on those lonely nights, blah blah blah....
Stop torturing me.. Stop tempting the other 'me' to surface...

I thought later of last year, I had gradually moved out of this...
I thought I had finally gained control of myself all cos the reason.. that reason...
I cannot let loose ever again..
It's a battle I can't lose to myself..
I can't lose this battle.....
A battle of my own...



I think I know who and why this other 'me' comes along...
It's really over....
10 over years..
Let it go....
Just let it go...
Don't be afraid by that incident anymore.....
Stop screaming and screaming at the back of your mind...
Stop being afraid...
Just really.. need to put a stop to it..

10 years... Why I can't just let that nightmare go...

And this is the reason why I fear big big size guys..

I ever screamed at Ziyi, when we were totally upset about each other...
I screamed at him and shuddered with fear when he walked into my room...
The only source of light was my desk lamp...
A dim desk lamp in that big double room...
Not as if he was sneaking into my room..
He was walking in rather normally....
But that split moment, just made me thought it was that nightmare of mine..
Sorry for screaming and wanted you to go away there and then...
A sorry that came so many years later...
I'm sorry... I was totally engulfed with the fear I had in the past..

Labels: , ,

sugary sweet savouring @ 10:53 PM |



0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home

Get awesome blog templates like this one from BlogSkins.com