why.. what i say.. no one understand??
why am i just so bothered by opinions of people i don't even know??
why am i just so fear that history will repeat itself, that this will end up a fear hearing all the things i fear to hear..
the stuffs that melt me...
And the other stuffs that brings the sugar susie out..


Fear..
Seems like it's really wrong moves again and again not to ignore the two's conversations...
It seems like wrong again and again....
It seems really wrong, when my friends warned me of any ulterior motives...
And I guess their friends will just do the same thing...
Sighz.. What's the point of talking, when both sides' friends are suspecting..
And waivering the hearts, whether to believe what you hear...
Yah.. what's the point of talking when fear of falling into each other's 'motives and strategies'?
i fear, u fear, everyone fear.. then should just drop it in the first place..
feeling lousy, stupid....
should have treated things like how i always treated.. being sa3 tuo1 about it...
but welll... a lesson learned.. i will not be so draggy in future...
i rather kill myself than to get myself in such draggy matters anymore..



waiting.. waiting and more waiting...
too many months of waiting....
caused too many of my fears to surface.......
fears of being played... being toyed...
guess the thought of having same sms just hit right smack on the fear...
nevermind.. i'm glad it's all over... finally....

this was something not in the conversation last night..
cos it ended with one of question.... i couldn't find answer to during that call...
why did i share the secrets...? and this phrase echoed 'so willingly to'....
during that sharing session...
2 things kept echo-ing...
"why would he wana do that?"
and.. what the other had said.. "i feel fucking played out"
i thought.. played out? am i being played out too? why would he wana do that?
played out.. played out...
anger just took over me.. angry.. i was really angry... played out? why?
the more i think of it.. the more i felt pointless holding to the secrets...
anger, led me to betrayal of trust.. cos i felt betrayed at that point of time...

betrayal of trust... and misleading sms that got me hang on..
a mistake of my anger..
and a mistake of trusting feelings to, when i already said i nev want to hear of anymore...
it's just the end of all...
there is just no point for anything more, when there isn't trust at all...


someone just tell me... teach me anger management....
agitate me, and let me angry... practice will make perfect....
for i hardly get angry over things... thus i don't know how to face anger...
else, just don't let me face anger at all....



i guess certain things, i only feel comfortable from the one who can be there for me all the time..
really not those who i can't be with.. really..
i can only say those sweet nothings to those that i really feel to..
and i expect the same.. and that the one who says so to me, is eligible to say so...
yah.. the most important word.. ELIGIBLE... eligible to own me....
rather than being shakened by simply the sincerity of the real feelings....
and... never let fear engorge me, ever again... please... fear.. leave me..

guess i'm a step closer to know what i want, and what i don't want....
i really won't feel comfortable to hear things from not the ones...
i have to really bear that in mind...
i really mean it when i say, i don't wish to hear it anymore...
i really mean it when i say, don't melt me...





currently... i suddenly missed the days of DDILY in 01...
don't know why...
sometimes, i felt played out... by all minds.. but it all doesn't matter..
i'm free now... free from all the waiting... waiting.. and endless waiting...
my head.. still hurts everyday after i self-inflict pain that night...
that few spots behind my head... but oh well.. they'll recover soon.. i hope...


And lastly, what did I learn...
I learned that I'm really lousy at talking...
Like when I dictate a story, I speak in bits and pieces..
Even dictating a short funny thing, it might just end up not funny..
Cos I couldn't speak properly.
Yah....
No wonder I never want to talk last time...
I'm better off talking via typing/writing...

If you aren't my kids or my secondary school/jc friends, you won't be able to piece bits and pieces, and understand what I say...