Acute Appendicitis - Aftermath

Actually I wanted to type Part 2 of what happened after I went home from KP Tan Clinic.

But something that I have been feeling is just bothering me too much.


Today, I caught the movie "Lipstick" on Channel 58. Cinemax or something..
Story between a doctor and his wife - someone working for the press.
The wife fell sick.
She was diagnosed with breast cancer, and needed to remove her right breast.
Being a lady, definitely will worry if she will become less like a woman..
And, began to feel inferior, and wonder if the husband will regret marrying her..
Lastly, removing right breast will cause some hormonal imbalance..
Which may cause difficulty or danger in conceiving in future..
No chance to have a baby of your own.

Blah blah blah..

I'm envious of her.
Her husband, instead of despising and feeling regretful of marrying her..
He was very much upset and worried for her..
The moment after she went for her operations..
He had to face the relatives and friends outside the waiting area..
And said that he had asked many doctors, and they all said the surgery will be easy and safe.
Well.. Being a doctor.. Who can say each and every surgery doesn't have its risks?
But well.. he managed to convince and assure those relatives and friends..
While he himself.. walked out to some quiet staircase..
And can't help controlling his anxiety and worry for his beloved wife..
He cried..


I can't help, but to feel so touched by the scene...


I'm envious of the lady in the movie..
Oh.. by the way, it's a movie based on true story..
I'm envious of this lady in the real world....
I guess life will never be the same, if you had a husband who walked out of you...

I suddenly thought of last Thursday and Friday..
When I was in pain.. I felt so helpless..
Or maybe I was just being silly girl, that I should have approached some helplines..
But it's just that.. I didn't want to impose burden or problem to anyone..

2-3 am.. in the middle of the night..
Even my own mum wasn't aware of how serious my pain was..
Don't you even know me?
Since when I was in such pain that I showed in the face, and said I wanted to see doc?
Or maybe it was just me who didn't seek help...?
If this happened last year in my hostel..
I doubt anyone who have noticed I was dying in pain in my own room...
Cos I would just be in bed.. in and out of sleep, hugging my right side in pain....
It was so pain until I really couldn't think properly...

I was envious..
I was pain until I lost my own logic and thoughts...
Yes.. Thursday night.. I mean Friday 2-3am, was an odd-time to call helpline..
I didn't wanted anyone to have trouble going for work the next day...
But Friday, one whole day..
I was totally in pain at home.. and I've done nothing to seek or ask for help..
But to cause myself more painful and xin ku, by eating the wrong medicine...

Is it really a must to take a big gong and go around telling everyone I'm in pain?
Or is it me that people always taken for granted to be strong and healthy...




Ok.. Seems like going in circles...
I'm upset over the fact that I hesitated calling anyone I deemed important to me..
To even tell of my painfulness in the middle of the night...
Am I too strong-headed or stubborn, or what?

I'm upset over the fact that I ever said of pain one day..
And on the next day, I can't remember..
It seemed like there's no concern if the pain went away?
Probably if I didn't made any phonecalls while waiting in the clinic..
There's totally no concern if I had recovered or felt more pain..?
Even when I return home and needed to go A&E...
Maybe life and death... Illness and recovery..
It's just too much of 'part-and-parcel' of life..
We shouldn't be worried nor concerned nor whatever.
Maybe... Maybe..
I was thinking too much cos the pain seems back now and then...
Making me worried again..
At least the very first person who called to check on me on Saturday..
That missed call was to check me out if I'm ok...
Maybe just everyone shows concern in different ways...
He isn't the doctor, he can't do anything too..
Yah.. I'm just emotionally-crazy....

I'm probably not that 'insignificant' afterall...


Aftermath..
When it all happened till it all ended.. hopefully ended..
Emotionally I felt empty and nil.
I felt helpless.
Like going to A&E.. I actually wanted to go myself.
So what if my bro1 and my mum went with me?
They only could worry and wait and not rest at all at the hospital..
Isn't it better when I settled down in the hospital and just give them a call?

I guess I felt the importance of having someone physically and mentally being there..
Someone not my brother not my mother..
Cos I only felt I was owing bro1 a favour and making my tired mother more tired..
She's already tired enough taking care of the baby nephew..

The importance of having someone physically and mentally there...

Sometimes I believe someone who really love another, will feel somewhat nervous or uptight over the other.. no matter if it's over-reaction or what..
But.. I nearly forgot the logical side of me....
Worry won't ease you off your pain...
Worry will only make me feel 'paiseh' that I had to make another one worry.
Worry can't make things better..
That was why I was emotionless over the whole episode.
I knew I had to go through all the motion to get well..
Am I human? Or am I too systematic or what?

A call or a word or a message per day from anyone...
Simply to see how well I am...
Although it might just be a formality or a real concern..
It will just put a smile on my face and lessen the pain..

I guess all I needed was a hug.
From when it happened till now.. that was probably the only thing that's lacking..
A hug to assure me, everything's fine..
It's different from doing self-assurance, like telling myself ok and stuffs..
It's just different.
A hug says a thousand words and builds one's strength and confidence.
Yah. That's the thing that's missing, that's making me feeling odd...


I had overexerted myself while playing with nephew Bin today..
I'm feeling the pain again.. Unbearable pain..
Gonna take Panadols before I sleep.
Nitez.

Labels: Emotions, Love, Movies, Pain, Sick, Upset