jian le gui, zhong yu pa hei le.

Direct translation.
After you've seen the ghost, you've finally fear when night falls.

Meeting up people all around, seeing people at work and stuffs.
I felt I'm undergoing something that I had once went through.
Using busy as excuse, finding satisfaction in life through work.
Seems like what I did after year 1.
Seems like always how I did each and every time, after some great trauma.

I suddenly felt distant.
Distant to all things again.
Days of busy work, super crazy workload..
Now just to stop a while and look...
I felt I'm probably beginning to hide myself into my shell...
Roll myself up into a ball, and out comes my porcupine pricks.
Back to the time, when heart feels hard again.

I felt pampered, by those old guy friends before I hit 20..
Talking like before.. but some things are just different.
Some things feel so sweet...
If not for many things that had happened...
I probably had melted.

What I want in life? Who do I want to meet?
For those who ever had chance to step a bit into my life...
And stepped out of it, by choice... urs or mine..
It takes much more to step back again...
I would say...
I'm some idiot with excessive of reminiscing of happy times...
Especially sweet moments..
Not difficult to get back..
But just had to melt me..
Make me feel the sincerity of the vow to eternity.
Making my heart skip again.. haha.. this line is crap.
But I'm dead serious about sincerity..
Sincerity that can touched me.
If cannot, just means cannot lah..
Sincerity...
Truthful can be one thing, said, expressed, whatever.
But sincerity in all words just need to be felt deeply.

However, I'm some practical freak too.

A partner in life, a companion for life.
It's much more than, I love you, I like you, I'm loyal to you, I'm truthful.
The practical freak in me...
A partner that can assist one and other to reach greater heights in life...
Not a partner to drag you down in life.
Someone who can make you move forward...
And even if you fall a step behind..
He or she will always stretch out the hand to reach for you..

Anyone with good habits, weird habits, just not bad habits.
I'm like water...
I go with the flow of anyone easily..
Like..
- Upon waking up, using masking tape to remove all my long dead hair from the bed..
- Waking in the middle of the night to drink more water...
- Sleeping to the melody of loud snores...
- Eating veggies...
- After being scolded for table manners, that I kept sms-ing and being interruptive in the meal..

Or like..
- Having tonnes of tissue in reach
- Washing contact lens with the solution before wearing them..

It's like.. I seemed to pick up habits easily...
Now, there's always different things and food that will make me recall of different people..
Like Tapioca cakes.. HL milk... Beef, like I started eating more often lor..
My very first bowl of Laksa at Tiong Bahru Plaza... Duck rice at South Buona Vista...
Holland V's XO hor fun.. Holland V's curry noodle last time, not too sure if it's still there..

Now I'm someone who can live without my phone..
And I will totally refrain from sms-ing and being interruptive in meals.
And seemed to pick up that part of the character, being not too happy when some other is disruptive.. This applies to all girl and guy friends.
Busy, Important calls.. blah blah blah..
I hate to hear all these.
It feels better to hear those sentences again if the adjectives are removed.
Like.. I have another incoming line, call you later. Rather than Important phonecall..
Important lost its urgency when used too often.
And perpetually having important this and that...
Will simply make the person with you feel NOT IMPT at all...


I've changed.
My attitude had changed.
Everything of me have changed, until the day I fall head over heels in love again..
Ever watched CardCaptor Sakura?
It feels like heart being sealed up.
Fear caused it to seal up.
It retreats and hides behind the hectic work that I'm assigned to.
Job satisfaction? Not really as of now..
I am angry at myself for being so messy still, after so many months in here.
This is me, when sealed up and faced myself.
My expectations for myself raise to hell high.. such that I becoming perfectionist.

Boss was saying that my face black black for the past few days.
Firstly, I was half sick not sick like that.. and it's making me slow down in work capacity..
Then cos of the slow down, and the sickness...
Tmd got me screwed up.. cos I can hardly focus..
Long winded here. Making me pissed by my writing style..
Face black cos I can't meet my own expectations, and kept making mistakes.
Screwed up again and again. So disruptive to workflow. %$@%$!^%$&$^&%

That's about it lah.

My expectations for myself..
I really can't stand it, but it's really high...
And so weird..
I starting to get uncomfy with certain people's management/organisational skills.
So much so that there are a few repeated documents to update..
And cos information gotta be disseminated to a few others..
We kept on having the need to update this list, then the other.. and another..
Or this person hear this and that..
And worst thing is the deadline.
No one other than the 2 knows the deadline..
All we know is completing things ASAP.
I felt total no sense of urgency.
I felt there should be more organisation.
I thought through abit, and things could have been improved.
Yes, at the beginning, they might not have any concrete information..
And things gotta go in a flash.
But I don't agree that things are just thrown to us just like that lor...
At least briefly let us know what's this project about...
Ok.. It's just me...
Maybe I could have done much worst?
At least I won't get 2 or 3 different people to pack, do invoice, and do labelling..
So sure what is sent out meh?? Then so rush, wana get out by 2pm..
I believe I'm at fault for not going to the cartons and double checking the cartons myself..
But tmd.. I got quite many things on hand..
Overflooding and flooding and I want to vomit blood.

Ok. Don't talk le.
Things just get on my nerves suddenly..
I want to sleep!
Finally I can sleep all I can..
Not waking up at 6am. Luxury.

Labels: Love, Random thoughts, Rantings