Saturday, February 23, 2008

Knowing what you want.

I'm back with this topic. Knowing what you want.

A year or two ago.
I asked my bro1.
He said all the while he do know what he want.
Quite surprising that it came from my eldest bro.
I mean, all the while, we humans, live for the sake of fulfilling our needs.
The poor just want more money so they can have something to eat..
The rich want even more money so they can compare their riches to other rich people..
Many girls, simply wants love, and someone who will love them for all their lives..
Many guys, career-minded...
And I guess many are like my brother.. Don't know what you want.

Not everyone can be like my bro2...
Turning his photography interest into his working tool.


As for me........
Last time I wanted a simple life, to be a simple girl..
I wondered if it still apply now.
Past 6 months at work seemed to be a on total relaxed and nuah mode at work..
Friends, I'm glad that I'm still in contact with all..
I enjoy hanging out with all my different girls..
It feels back to primary school..
Till now, I still don't have that many of close guy friends..
Maybe I do.. But I only talk to them over msn...
And not meeting up..
Cos I have enough of... guys feeling attached to me....

All these years..
I know I don't want this trait in guy, I don't want that..
Yet I also don't want guys to treat me so good..
Cos this pampering feeling makes me feel losing my independence..
Or maybe I had not been true to myself..
Haha.. I probably love myself most...
I enjoy being alone many times...
Like I go shopping, alone.. I liked it..
Not that I detest going shopping with my girls...
But it's a different feeling, and I quite enjoyed my own companionship..
Maybe I know how to self-entertain quite alot...

This year 2008..
I hadn't had much time for myself alone..
The only chance I had was in bed feeling sick...
Hmmm.. I quite enjoyed it too.. haha.. Yah. I'm sick...
It felt I needed rest. And I finally had it.. In the expense of my already planned schedule..

Anway.. Don't want this and that bad traits..
But I also don't want too good to me...
Cos I don't believe anything good would befall onto me...
Going through so much in the BGR department..
Many a times, I don't believe anything too good will still befall onto me...
It's feels like "Too Good To Be True"..


And till now, I have yet wanting to bring any guys to my family..
Yes, Jacq, and Janice, and those that know me since young...
I had NEVER brought and boyfriends to my house.
Which therefore, leads to my mum being worried if I can find one..

Boyfriends and flings are super easy to find.
Husbands are hard to find.


Hence, I conclude..
I probably phobia of relationship..
Or already lost confidence in guys, irregardless of who.. Good or bad, nice or not nice..
And yah.. I talk to my blog about how I feel rather than to humans..
Maybe.. I am the one who always shut myself out from others..
Shut my world away from others..
I've shut my world once, and like what Leo says..
I suddenly became some emotionless creature in my early 20s.
Maybe this door have yet been opened since then...
Or shut again to prevent hurt...
Like how porcupine rolls up to protect itself..
And all pricks out to prick anyone who attempt to hurt.

Or maybe, I should take a break.. Just me, and myself...?
And probably by then, I'll realised what I want again?

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