Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Quarrel.

Quarrels never make anyone feel good.
In fact.. It made me feel TERRIBLE...
The anger rush up to my head..
Yet I can't suppress it.
Apart from the anger, I just know I feel as upset as well..


Blue black is what I've got.
To stop all the anger.
Self-abuse is what I've got..
Physical pain is never comparable to emotional pain.
Self-abuse is always what I thought as worse than any quarrels.
As it pierce into the hearts of the loved ones.. deep..


This is not what I want.
I never thought quarrel over the same things happen again.
It's so frustrating.

A round of self-abuse against the nearest furniture..
A burnt pot of porridge in the kitchen..
A dead silence except for the tv...
And it all ended. Full stop.


Quarrel was what I've suffered.
All these years.. I'm always been blamed for everything I do..
What courage can I find in me...?
Failure is totally denied in this family..
Why would I want to try anything... when your closest ones gave you nothing but cold water..
And like.. told u.. u can't make it..
And full of sarcasm..
My heart was dead..
The easiest way to survive in this family and feel happy..
Not to try too hard for anything innovative..
So you won't have to face it too hard if all things fail..
No expectations, no disappointment..
Just be normal.. just be ordinary and ignorant..
Just be boring and bland..
This is the only way to fully please them..
Why want to give me life and yet put me down in all and every way..
And yet, last but not least, after everything, push everything to.. 'I don't know...'
Comparing me with my brothers are the WORST thing to do...
Can't you already realised that I'm totally different?
You should have given birth to a son instead.


Ok.. It's a start of a brand new day.
This is spoiling my mood.
Roar.

Nevertheless..
Thanks to G, to be by my side..
Though I felt the quarrel was uncalled for..
And totally an act of a spoilt brat..

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